"Oh, You Beautiful Doll" - An Archie and Veronica Tale

Sometimes stories are a product of their own time.  They came out during a period in which a major event was going on in the world, and they touched upon that event in the story.  Some examples of this in the Archie universe include the bicentennial of 1976, the hippie movement of the late 1960s and early 1970s, and stories about the Vietnam War.

Now while many of these stories are incredible references to historical events, and were relevant back in the day, they don't have the same impact in 2019 as they did when they were topical.  As a result, some of these stories were only printed once, or were reprinted only once.

Today's story is one of those examples.

Today's tale comes courtesy of "Archie #330".  As far as I know, this story was only reprinted once - in "Archie Digest #95", which was released four years later.  Now, if you can remember back in 1985 - or if you weren't born until after that year, ask your parents about this - you might recall that in the world of toys and games, there was one toy that was on the lists of many children that year - a toy that toy stores had a really hard time keeping in stock.

Anyone who was around during the early 1980s remembers the massive "Cabbage Patch Kid" shortage.  When the dolls first came out, they were pudgy, goofy looking dolls that had Xavier Roberts' signature stitched on their backside, and they all came with birth certificates that gave the doll a name and a birthdate.  It was a neat idea for a doll, and certainly one of the more unique toys of the early 1980s.  But when the dolls first went on sale in 1983, people were so determined to get one that there were reports of riots breaking out in toy stores because of it - which lasted about three or four years before Cabbage Patch Kids waned in popularity. 

Now, this sort of thing has repeated itself over the years.  The Teddy Ruxpin shortage of 1987.  The Tickle-Me-Elmo brawls of 1996.  And we won't even begin talking about the outcry over the great Hatchimal shortage of 2017!  But the Cabbage Patch Kid tale was strictly an eighties thing, so I can understand why the story wasn't reprinted after 1989.

This is a story that in the original was credited to Archie, and in the reprint credited to Veronica.  And it's called "Oh, You Beautiful Doll".

Veronica makes no secret about the fact that she has a huge doll collection.  After all, she is rich and can afford most of them.  But she regrets that the one doll that she doesn't have is a...Cauliflower Patch Doll.  Something that Archie jokes are harder to find than "Cabbage Patch Dolls".

Yeah, that's probably because Cauliflower Patch Dolls don't exist, and this story was actually poking fun at Cabbage Patch Kid hysteria.

Anyway, Veronica discovers that a shipment of Cauliflower Patch Dolls are coming to a department store in town, and she practically manipulates Archie with her charm to have him get her one.  Archie agrees to it, but also dreads it.  For one, the news reports of people getting into fights over the dolls has him nervous.

And for another reason, Archie has to set his alarm clock for four o'clock in the morning to secure his spot in line for a doll.  A tactic that Mrs. Andrews (and myself) think is a bit ridiculous.  But Archie is determined to make Veronica happy, so he will do whatever it takes to get her a doll.  Of course, many of Riverdale's citizens have the same exact idea that he has and he quickly learns that there is a mob of people waiting to get inside when the store opens.  Archie is worried until the man standing in line in front of him tells him that the store has a hundred dolls available and that he's about fiftieth in line.  Archie considers that a guarantee.

You know what would also be a guarantee?  If a staff member gave out tickets to the first hundred people in line.  That's what my store did when the PlayStation 3 was released a few years ago.

It's a shame the store didn't go that route.  Because the people in the back of the line began to push ahead, and poor Archie is trampled by the Cauliflower Patch crowd.  Archie tries to get back up and notices an elderly man getting stomped on as well.  Geez, what is this?  Black Friday in Riverdale?

Archie helps the man up, but the man is not badly hurt.  Besides, he managed to get a Cauliflower Patch doll for his granddaughter.  It's then that Archie realizes that he messed up, and by the time he gets to the counter, all the dolls are gone.  Archie is down.  But not out.

Archie gets the idea that another shipment of dolls will likely be coming soon, and he thinks that if he waits by the receiving docks of the store, he might get lucky.

Unfortunately everyone else who did NOT get a doll had the same idea, and before you know it, the mob of people are swarming the delivery truck.  The scene gets one man in a shirt and tie (who likely is one of the assistant managers of the store) involved, and he says that there is no way that they can sell the dolls outside.  Of course, all it takes is the threat of an elderly grandmother threatening to bash his skull in with an umbrella for him to change his mind.

Finally, Archie has grabbed the holy grail of toys.  He has his hands on a full-fledged, honest to goodness, real Cauliflower Patch Doll!  Boy, Veronica will be indebted to him for life - or at least it'll be good for two months of steady dates.  There's really nothing that could break Archie's mood.

Well, unless you're Archie and you completely screw up by losing the adoption papers that come with the doll.  Archie needs to get those papers now.  How else is Veronica supposed to know that her doll's name is Chelsea Cornelia and that her birthday is October 14?  Or, maybe it's Kimberly Renee, and her birthday is December 18.  Or, it could be Freya Jennifer, and her birthday is February 29.

So Archie is forced to wiggle through the mob of people just to get the adoption papers that come with the doll.  By the end of it all, Archie's clothes are ripped, his hair has been pulled, and I am pretty sure that he might have sustained a lot of cuts and bruises from just getting stepped on.  But in the end, it's all worth it because Veronica will have her doll and her collection will be complete.  Archie is absolutely on Cloud 9 as he approaches the Lodge Mansion, and Veronica will be sure to like the doll that he picked out for her.  But Veronica has a surprise of her own for Archie...

Yep.  Veronica decided to get her father to buy the entire Cauliflower Patch Doll company, and now she has enough Cauliflower Patch Dolls to fill up Miss Grundy's classroom.  Oh, I can just imagine the sick feeling that poor Archie went through just to get that doll.  My heart breaks for him, it really does.  I mean, he went through so much that I almost want to give him a hug.  He doesn't deserve to have gone through all that - especially when he did it for a woman who doesn't care for him as much as he does her.  He should have just given the doll to Betty.  Now he's the proud owner of a Cauliflower Patch Doll.  Um, yay?

Archie is so down that he decides to drown his sorrows in a couple of lime fizzes at Pop's Chocklit Shop.  Seated at the counter where Pop Tate is standing is Pop Tate's niece, who happens to be somewhere in the neighbourhood of eight to twelve years of age.  When Archie sits down, the girl recognizes the doll as a Cauliflower Patch Doll, and Pop Tate explains that she has wanted the doll for such a long time.

Well...at least this story has a happy ending.  Pop Tate's niece has the very thing she wanted, and Archie felt good that even though he went through heck to get the doll in the first place, in the end, he gave it to someone who deserved it and would appreciate it.