"Miss Beazley Gets The Bird"

Okay, did you all miss me? 

I decided that I would take a week off to stop myself from getting burned out on this blog, and I'll be doing this every couple of months or so.  The reason being that when I was doing my other blog (A POP CULTURE ADDICT'S GUIDE TO LIFE), I did an entry every day for over four years, and I burned myself out right around the seven year mark.  I don't want to do this with this blog, so you can expect more frequent breaks.

So, now that I'm back, we'll continue with the schedule.  As I said before, Mondays will be devoted to secondary or tertiary characters within the Archie universe.  And a couple of weeks ago, I asked all of you to vote on which character you wanted to see featured in this space.  You had an extra week to choose, and your choice is...

MISS BEAZLEY!

Yes, everyone's favourite lunch lady makes another appearance in this space, and while this story is a really great read, it opens up a bit of an inconsistency in her personality.  You'll see what it is as you read ahead.

This story originally appeared back in Archie #231.  And the artwork was done by Harry Lucey.  As it turned out, Harry Lucey was the main artist on the Archie title during the mid-1970s, so if you ever want to check out his work, I recommend seeking any Archie title out that was released between 1971 and 1976.  Some of his prime work appears there.

The story is called "Miss Beazley Gets the Bird".  Of course, this story spells her name a bit differently.  I've seen both spellings of the last name, both with and without an "E", but I kind of like the spelling better when the E is added.  I guess I'm just weird that way.  (And no, that's NOT the inconsistency I am pointing out here - just a bonus.)

Anyway, Archie has seemingly snuck into school a bucket of fried chicken that might or might not resemble the 20-piece buckets that one might purchase from "Kentucky Fried Chicken".  And Miss Beazley is so shocked that Archie would break the rules by sneaking in non-approved food into school that she rushes towards him and attacks him in the same way a zombie attacks people on "The Walking Dead".

No, actually she's attacking the bucket of chicken he's holding.

She is literally stomping all over it, turning the chicken inside into a mushy mess, with Archie staring at her in complete shock and the commotion causing Mr. Weatherbee to step out of his office to see what the heck is going on.

It appears as though Miss Beazley has lost her mind, but she has a very good reason for it.  Upon closer inspection of the chicken bucket, both Beazley and Weatherbee are shocked and disgusted to see that the chicken inside of Archie's bucket has spoiled.  We're talking salmonella, bacteria, lots and lots of mould spores (and yes, I'm Canadian, and to us that IS the proper spelling).  No matter how you spell it, it's toxic.  And both of them are left wondering how a fast food giant like Colonel Sturdley's Southern Fried Chicken could sell such rotten food to the students.

Of course, we later learn that it was all a case of misunderstanding.  Turns out that Archie left the chicken out to spoil on purpose for a science experiment that he was doing for Professor Flutesnoot.  He explains what happened with Miss Beazley, saying that she destroyed the bucket before he could explain what happened.  This might not bode so well for Archie's science grade, but it's nothing compared to what happens when Mr. Weatherbee gets involved.

While Archie is in the science lab, Mr. Weatherbee pays a visit to the headquarters of Colonel Sturdley's Southern Fried Chicken, and pays a visit to Colonel Sturdley himself.

(NOTE:  Colonel Sanders of KFC actually died in 1980 - seven years after this story first appeared.  So, I guess they had to change a few things around regarding his appearance.)

Mr. Weatherbee tells him that he should be ashamed of himself for passing out such putrid chicken, but the Colonel is willing to hold up a rubber glove and slap Weatherbee across the face to start a duel.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with his chicken and he will take whoever says there is to the cleaners.  Mr. Weatherbee name drops Miss Beazley's name, telling the Colonel that she thinks he should be horsewhipped, and that's enough for him to take his white glove to Riverdale High School so that he can deal with her personally.

But now here's where the inconsistency of the story comes into play.  Now, we know that Miss Beazley is usually synonymous with really bad food.  Truth be told, it's people like her that kind of give off the stereotype that school lunches are anything but healthy and can make people violently ill. 

But in this story, not only does she prepare fried chicken that instantly gets the attention of the Colonel, but the aroma is so pleasant that the Colonel instantly has to try it.

Hey, Mikey...he likes it! 

Now, I'm not going to spoil the true ending of this tale, partly because I want you to read it for yourselves, but also partly because the ending is so farfetched that you probably won't believe it.  But, hey...a lot of Archie tales end that way.  You know, given that Miss Beazley made a brilliant fruitcake some time ago because the ingredient she added was love, perhaps she added lots of love to her fried chicken.

After all...she was fighting for a cause this time - even though usually SHE'S the one serving the bad food!

That's a wrap for today.  Next week, which character would you like to see featured?

1 - Cheryl Blossom
2 - Chuck Clayton
3 - Coach Kleats

You "C" what I did there?