"Oh, You Beautiful Doll" - An Archie and Veronica Tale

Sometimes stories are a product of their own time.  They came out during a period in which a major event was going on in the world, and they touched upon that event in the story.  Some examples of this in the Archie universe include the bicentennial of 1976, the hippie movement of the late 1960s and early 1970s, and stories about the Vietnam War.

Now while many of these stories are incredible references to historical events, and were relevant back in the day, they don't have the same impact in 2019 as they did when they were topical.  As a result, some of these stories were only printed once, or were reprinted only once.

Today's story is one of those examples.

Today's tale comes courtesy of "Archie #330".  As far as I know, this story was only reprinted once - in "Archie Digest #95", which was released four years later.  Now, if you can remember back in 1985 - or if you weren't born until after that year, ask your parents about this - you might recall that in the world of toys and games, there was one toy that was on the lists of many children that year - a toy that toy stores had a really hard time keeping in stock.

Anyone who was around during the early 1980s remembers the massive "Cabbage Patch Kid" shortage.  When the dolls first came out, they were pudgy, goofy looking dolls that had Xavier Roberts' signature stitched on their backside, and they all came with birth certificates that gave the doll a name and a birthdate.  It was a neat idea for a doll, and certainly one of the more unique toys of the early 1980s.  But when the dolls first went on sale in 1983, people were so determined to get one that there were reports of riots breaking out in toy stores because of it - which lasted about three or four years before Cabbage Patch Kids waned in popularity. 

Now, this sort of thing has repeated itself over the years.  The Teddy Ruxpin shortage of 1987.  The Tickle-Me-Elmo brawls of 1996.  And we won't even begin talking about the outcry over the great Hatchimal shortage of 2017!  But the Cabbage Patch Kid tale was strictly an eighties thing, so I can understand why the story wasn't reprinted after 1989.

This is a story that in the original was credited to Archie, and in the reprint credited to Veronica.  And it's called "Oh, You Beautiful Doll".

Veronica makes no secret about the fact that she has a huge doll collection.  After all, she is rich and can afford most of them.  But she regrets that the one doll that she doesn't have is a...Cauliflower Patch Doll.  Something that Archie jokes are harder to find than "Cabbage Patch Dolls".

Yeah, that's probably because Cauliflower Patch Dolls don't exist, and this story was actually poking fun at Cabbage Patch Kid hysteria.

Anyway, Veronica discovers that a shipment of Cauliflower Patch Dolls are coming to a department store in town, and she practically manipulates Archie with her charm to have him get her one.  Archie agrees to it, but also dreads it.  For one, the news reports of people getting into fights over the dolls has him nervous.

And for another reason, Archie has to set his alarm clock for four o'clock in the morning to secure his spot in line for a doll.  A tactic that Mrs. Andrews (and myself) think is a bit ridiculous.  But Archie is determined to make Veronica happy, so he will do whatever it takes to get her a doll.  Of course, many of Riverdale's citizens have the same exact idea that he has and he quickly learns that there is a mob of people waiting to get inside when the store opens.  Archie is worried until the man standing in line in front of him tells him that the store has a hundred dolls available and that he's about fiftieth in line.  Archie considers that a guarantee.

You know what would also be a guarantee?  If a staff member gave out tickets to the first hundred people in line.  That's what my store did when the PlayStation 3 was released a few years ago.

It's a shame the store didn't go that route.  Because the people in the back of the line began to push ahead, and poor Archie is trampled by the Cauliflower Patch crowd.  Archie tries to get back up and notices an elderly man getting stomped on as well.  Geez, what is this?  Black Friday in Riverdale?

Archie helps the man up, but the man is not badly hurt.  Besides, he managed to get a Cauliflower Patch doll for his granddaughter.  It's then that Archie realizes that he messed up, and by the time he gets to the counter, all the dolls are gone.  Archie is down.  But not out.

Archie gets the idea that another shipment of dolls will likely be coming soon, and he thinks that if he waits by the receiving docks of the store, he might get lucky.

Unfortunately everyone else who did NOT get a doll had the same idea, and before you know it, the mob of people are swarming the delivery truck.  The scene gets one man in a shirt and tie (who likely is one of the assistant managers of the store) involved, and he says that there is no way that they can sell the dolls outside.  Of course, all it takes is the threat of an elderly grandmother threatening to bash his skull in with an umbrella for him to change his mind.

Finally, Archie has grabbed the holy grail of toys.  He has his hands on a full-fledged, honest to goodness, real Cauliflower Patch Doll!  Boy, Veronica will be indebted to him for life - or at least it'll be good for two months of steady dates.  There's really nothing that could break Archie's mood.

Well, unless you're Archie and you completely screw up by losing the adoption papers that come with the doll.  Archie needs to get those papers now.  How else is Veronica supposed to know that her doll's name is Chelsea Cornelia and that her birthday is October 14?  Or, maybe it's Kimberly Renee, and her birthday is December 18.  Or, it could be Freya Jennifer, and her birthday is February 29.

So Archie is forced to wiggle through the mob of people just to get the adoption papers that come with the doll.  By the end of it all, Archie's clothes are ripped, his hair has been pulled, and I am pretty sure that he might have sustained a lot of cuts and bruises from just getting stepped on.  But in the end, it's all worth it because Veronica will have her doll and her collection will be complete.  Archie is absolutely on Cloud 9 as he approaches the Lodge Mansion, and Veronica will be sure to like the doll that he picked out for her.  But Veronica has a surprise of her own for Archie...

Yep.  Veronica decided to get her father to buy the entire Cauliflower Patch Doll company, and now she has enough Cauliflower Patch Dolls to fill up Miss Grundy's classroom.  Oh, I can just imagine the sick feeling that poor Archie went through just to get that doll.  My heart breaks for him, it really does.  I mean, he went through so much that I almost want to give him a hug.  He doesn't deserve to have gone through all that - especially when he did it for a woman who doesn't care for him as much as he does her.  He should have just given the doll to Betty.  Now he's the proud owner of a Cauliflower Patch Doll.  Um, yay?

Archie is so down that he decides to drown his sorrows in a couple of lime fizzes at Pop's Chocklit Shop.  Seated at the counter where Pop Tate is standing is Pop Tate's niece, who happens to be somewhere in the neighbourhood of eight to twelve years of age.  When Archie sits down, the girl recognizes the doll as a Cauliflower Patch Doll, and Pop Tate explains that she has wanted the doll for such a long time.

Well...at least this story has a happy ending.  Pop Tate's niece has the very thing she wanted, and Archie felt good that even though he went through heck to get the doll in the first place, in the end, he gave it to someone who deserved it and would appreciate it.

"One of Those Days" - An Archie Tale

Have you ever had a bad day where nothing ever goes right?  I can tell you from experience that I have.  Many times.  In fact, just today, I had a day in which things just didn't go right.  I split my shoe, my badge to punch into work wouldn't swipe making me ten minutes late for work, and I accidentally knocked over a whole display of potatoes while stocking them. 

Okay, so maybe my day wasn't quite as eventful as Alexander in "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".  But I guarantee that in today's Archie tale, nobody...not even Alexander...could match the day that Archie has had.  And we only get to see a portion of it in today's story!

The story was drawn by Harry Lucey and first appeared in "Everything's Archie #39".  It's a tale that is called "One of Those Days", and while some of us can relate to having at least one of the misfortunes that Archie experiences in this tale, it's almost unheard of to have them all happen on the same day...within an HOUR!!!

Misfortune #1 begins when Archie forgets to set his alarm the night before.  He's so busy dreaming of Veronica that his mother has to force him to wake up.  Fortunately when I was in school, I lived right next door to my school, so I literally could wake up ten minutes before school started and still be on time.  Archie doesn't have that luxury.  He rushes out of his room half-dressed and decides that the best place to put on his jeans is right on the staircase.  What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I don't think that Archie was trying to kill himself, but he might as well have.  That's a lot of stairs to fall down!  This panel almost makes it appear as if Archie sustained a major concussion, or possibly ended up knocking himself out cold.  And to add to the embarrassment, he's in his underwear!  Not a good look, Archie.

Fortunately, Archie appears to be okay, and he rushes towards the kitchen to scarf down some breakfast.  I hope the fact that Archie forgot to put on shoes and socks won't cause anything to happen.

Well, aside from stubbing his toe.

Trust me, I know how Archie feels.  I've stubbed my toes many times, and one time I lost the toenail off of my right big toe because I stubbed my toe against the refrigerator.  It is painful, and it hurts, and it causes you to hop on one foot to try and relieve the pain.  Which explains why Archie loses his balance, trips over his chair, and his oatmeal lands right on top of his head.  Okay, seriously, Mrs. Andrews.  Your son is late for school and you serve him OATMEAL?  Didn't you have any muffins or Pop Tarts?  I did my research.  Pop Tarts had been around for a decade when this story first came out.  You could have made it so easy.  So, I call foul on you, Mrs. A.

Mrs. Andrews is forced to wipe off Archie's head with a kitchen towel which obstructs Archie's vision to the point where he can't see a thing.  I hope this doesn't cause anything to happen.

Geez, Archie's mom.  Could you not be any less sympathetic?  I mean, your son should be going to the hospital for brain damage with the amount of times he's hit it!  Seriously, Archie.  Take a sick day!  But no.  Archie's determined to snap out of it and get to school.  How much worse could things possibly get?

Well, as Archie runs down the street in hopes of making it to school on time, he fails to notice his surroundings, which is bad.  After all, there might be some stray animals on the street that he might accidentally run into.

Or, accidentally step on.  Don't worry, the dog ends up being okay.  In fact, the dog is so angry at Archie that he chases him down the street!  Archie is really having a rough day.  How is he going to escape this one?  Well, Archie decides to try his luck by scaling a fence that the dog can't climb.  Archie is already late for school and the last thing he wants is for the dog to come at him and tear a hole right in his jeans.

Besides.  Why worry about the dog when a stray nail sticking out of the fence can tear a hole in the seat of Archie's pants just as nicely?  Fortunately, Archie is wearing a jacket and he uses it to tie around his waist so that the hole will not be seen.  But it's not a bad strategy.  I remember wrapping my jacket around my waist when I had a wardrobe malfunction or two.  Usually though, my front zipper breaks, or I pop a button.  This is a major wardrobe malfunction for Archie.

And it just gets worse as Archie rushes towards the front entrance of the school as the opening bell sounds.  Archie is already late, and he could basically just give it up and just accept defeat and walk inside the school.  But no, he has to go in and rush...

Say goodbye to the jacket.  Archie, by this point, asks what more can go wrong?  And he says this as he approaches Moose whose own vision is blocked by the flat of plants that he is holding.

And to think that this all took place within ONE HOUR!  I can just predict what happens next.  He gets beaten up by Moose, gets detention by Miss Grundy and somehow will end up blowing himself up in a lab accident.  Oh, and Betty and Veronica will find out that he made dates with both of them at the same time, and they both slap him.

What can he say?  Just one of those days.                                                                                                   

"In Search of the Beat: Part 2" - A Jughead Tale

Yesterday in this blog, we started a story about Jughead's obsession with an old drummer from the 1950s, Crazy Willie Jim.  He took Archie and Betty on a tour of Riverdale's many record stores for his records, and on his way home he passed by a street band whose drummer had the same exact style of playing as Crazy Willie Jim.  When we last left off, Jughead has tracked the mysterious man to a seedy apartment building in the rough part of town, and he is determined to find out whether this man really is Crazy Willie Jim.

This is the second part of the story "In Search of the Beat", which originally appeared in "Jughead #2".

It doesn't take long for Jughead to get the man to admit that he is Crazy Willie Jim.  Apparently, Jim didn't want to tell Jughead who he was because he thought that he was a social worker.  To be honest, I think if the writer had used bill collector instead, it might have sounded more realistic.  Well, as realistic as a teenager being a bill collector or a social worker could be.  Anyway, once Jughead tells Jim that he's a drummer with the Archies and how much of a fan he is of his music, Jim changes his tune and greets Jughead very warmly.  In fact, Jughead manages to convince Jim to come down to the Kandy Klub.  The Archies have a gig there coming up and Jughead would consider it an honour for Crazy Willie Jim to watch them perform and perhaps give Jughead some pointers on how to replicate his sound.  Crazy Willie Jim accepts Jughead's invitation.

The night of the Archies concert at the Kandy Klub (where apparently they serve cherry Kool-Aid as a beverage for some bizarre reason), everyone is enjoying the Archies set list.  But the person who seems to be enjoying the band the most is Crazy Willie Jim.  Just based on his lingo, you can tell that he's gone back in time to 1957 again!  But Jim is definitely impressed by the band.  And after the band stops performing to take a brief break, Jughead decides to invite Crazy Willie Jim to sit in for him on a couple of songs, allowing him the use of his drum set.  It's an offer that Jim doesn't refuse.  His only condition is that he is allowed to use his own drumsticks.  I can only assume that he's owned those drumsticks since the days when he was releasing albums.

Needless to say, once a person learns how to do something, they never really forget it.  And even though there's a lot less hair on his head and his face has a few more wrinkles, Crazy Willie Jim still has it.

Archie, Reggie, Betty, and Veronica are blown away by the immense talent of Crazy Willie Jim, but Jughead didn't doubt him for a second.  I can only imagine how much joy Jughead felt seeing his idol playing the drums in his band.  It was such a positive moment for Jughead to play with his idol, but I imagine for Crazy Willie Jim, it was the highlight of the last twenty years of his life.  It was like he was back in top form and the spotlight was deservedly shone on him.

Jughead is so happy about Crazy Willie Jim playing for the Archies that the band decided to give him some of the money that they made playing at the Kandy Klub.  At first, Crazy Willie Jim refuses to take it, but once Jughead insists on giving it to him, he agrees...but tells Jughead that playing with them was all the reward he needed.

Weeks go by, and Jughead continues to listen to Crazy Willie Jim's albums and tries to play along with the rhythm.  He spends so much time practicing that Archie wonders if he's dropped off the face of the earth, but Jughead tells Archie that all he wants to do is replicate Crazy Willie Jim's style so that he can impress him.  I get the feeling that Crazy Willie Jim was happy to see that he was still connecting with young fans, but knowing that one of them liked him enough to try and emulate him would naturally give him some warm fuzzies.

But when Jughead gets to Crazy Willie Jim's street hangout, his bandmates have some very devastating news.

You know, it's not very often that a comic book like Archie kills off characters, but when they do, it certainly is like a sucker punch to the gut.  It was very similar to when Lisa Simpson lost Bleeding Gums Murphy.  Losing someone you consider a hero or an idol...that had to hurt.  Just seeing Jughead's expression when they told him that Crazy Willie Jim passed away.  It's heartbreaking.

And if you weren't crying before, you will when you see the part when Jughead is gifted Crazy Willie Jim's special drumsticks.  For someone to give someone they just met their prized possessions before they died...well, you know that they had to make a huge impact.  Jughead is very sad, but he knows one way to honour him.  Play with his bandmates and show them what he learned from him.  Sure enough, Crazy Willie Jim lives on through Jughead as his bandmates notice that Jughead is playing the song EXACTLY like Crazy Willie Jim. 

You know, I've said that of all the Archie stories I've read, this one ranks within my Top 10.  It is such a beautiful tale of friendship and honouring those you love.  It's a story that shows Jughead in a light that most of us don't really see, and it's really great to watch Jughead grow in this story.  I have to think that Jughead will be the legacy that Crazy Willie Jim hoped to leave behind, and I think Jughead will make sure that he is never forgotten.

"In Search of the Beat: Part 1" - A Jughead Tale

I want to apologize for not having a blog for yesterday.  My work schedule was crazy yesterday and I ended up taking a really long nap. 

That lasted thirteen hours!

Man, now I know how Jughead feels, right?  I guess it's a good thing that today's story features him, isn't it?  Truth be told, it's one of my favourite Jughead tales ever, and it is so good that I can't fit it into one blog entry.  I'm actually going to make this a two-parter.

This story originally appeared in "Jughead #2", and this was the second reboot of the Jughead title.  The original title debuted in 1949 and ended with issue #352 in mid-1987.  I don't know why they decided to reboot the title with a new #1 issue, but it was around that time that "Betty and Veronica" and "Laugh" received new #1 issues as well.  The only explanation I can think of was that they wanted to take the titles to a new lower number since they wanted to have just the "Archie" flagship title up in the 300s.  But, I'm really not sure.

The one thing that I liked about the new Jughead reboot was that the stories featuring Jughead had more depth to them.  I mean, yes, Jughead still ate burgers and slept a lot, but he also had more personality added to him, and he even experimented with dating girls like his childhood friend Joani, and new classmate Debbie.  Today's tale doesn't feature Joani or Debbie, but it does feature Jughead talking about one of his idols.

This is "In Search of the Beat: Part 1".

The story begins with Archie and Betty trying to get Jughead's attention, but Jughead has his earphones on and his music turned up to full blast.  It takes Archie screaming at the top of his lungs to get Jughead's attention.  Whatever he must be listening to has to be great.  And according to Jughead, it's the greatest thing he's ever heard.

The beauty of this story is that with vinyl records making a huge comeback in the last half of this decade, this story can be reprinted and not changed at all!  You see, Jughead's been doing some shopping at garage sales lately, and he purchased an album from the 1950s or 1960s that featured a drummer by the name of "Crazy Willie Jim".

Kind of looks like Smokey Robinson, don't you think?

Anyway, once Jughead heard the album, he was blown away by the talent of Crazy Willie Jim.  As a drummer for "The Archies", Jughead knows great drumming when he hears it.  To Jughead, Crazy Willie Jim is the Prince of Percussion Instruments, and he is determined to replicate his signature beat.  Even though it has been years since he has likely performed, Jughead finds his music enchanting, and wants to collect his entire discography.  Archie and Betty suggest that Jughead head downtown with them.  They can take a walk through the streets and stop in some record stores along the way so that Jughead can add to his Crazy Willie Jim collection.  Jughead agrees and joins both of them in their quest downtown.

Sadly, a lot of urban areas have to deal with poverty and homelessness, and Riverdale is no exception.  As Archie, Betty, and Jughead head towards the first store, they pass one of the seedier parts of town, and Betty comments on how many people are hard on their luck.  Jughead wonders why they can't get jobs (I know, the laziest man on the planet asking why people can't work).  But as Betty explains, it's not that simple.  Truth be told, with the economy being the way it is in 2019 and threats of recessions looming, all it takes is a couple of missed pay periods to cripple a person financially - as the poor federal workers in the United States know all too well.

They pause for a moment before entering the record store where Jughead has hit pay dirt.  There's a Crazy Willie Jim record for sale, and he wastes no time in buying it.  And we're treated to a panel montage of Jughead growing increasingly excited at each subsequent record store buying more and more Crazy Willie Jim albums - and Archie and Betty growing more and more bored as Jughead shops.

Eventually Archie and Betty are ready to call it a day, and Jughead says that he'll catch up with them later.  He just wants to check out a couple of other record stores before going home.  So Betty and Archie go one direction and Jughead goes another - where he passes a street band featuring a bassist, a trumpet player, and a drummer.  Clearly the band resides in the seedy part of town that Jughead was just in, and it appears as though they are playing for spare change.  I suppose a lot of buskers do that sort of thing in subway tunnels and bus stops, so it's not unheard of.

But as Jughead passes the drummer, he recognizes a familiar beat.  It sounds as though the beat he is playing matches the same beat as the songs heard on his beloved Crazy Willie Jim album.  And since he happens to have some albums on his person, he holds up the album cover to compare the two people.

Okay, so he's obviously a lot greyer and his smile's not quite so pearly white.  But it appears that the disheveled man on the drums is Crazy Willie Jim.  And it looks like since he was famous, his star has gotten tarnished and he has fallen on hard times.  Considering that this story was first published in 1987 - a year in which drum machines began to be used in almost every Top 40 hit that year, it isn't hard to see why Crazy Willie Jim might be struggling now.  But one thing you can't deny is that he still has that legendary talent of perfecting the perfect drum beat. 

Jughead tries to go over and introduce himself, and asks the man if he is Crazy Willie Jim.  The man pauses, coughs, and says that he's wrong and that he needs to be left alone.  He starts to leave the scene.  Jughead attempts to follow him, but his bandmates hold Jughead back long enough for the man to make his escape. 

Now we have a bit of a mystery on our hands.  Is this drummer really Crazy Willie Jim?  And if he is, why would he lie to Jughead about who he is, and why is he seemingly ashamed of his past?

Stay tuned for Part 2!

"The Write Note" - A Lil Jinx Tale

How many of you have had to send a thank you note to someone who gives you a gift?

I suppose in this day and age, thank you notes are becoming a thing of the past.  With text messaging, tweets, social media posts, and even e-mail, the idea of sending thank you cards in the mail seems a little old-fashioned.  Besides, with the cost of stamps going up on a consistent basis, who can afford to send them these days?

However, in the late 1970s, it was an entirely different story.  If you received a gift from a grandparent, or a friend, or an aunt who lives halfway across the country, common courtesy states that you have to at least send a thank you card or letter explaining that you got the gift and that you appreciate it. 

I know that I've written a few thank you notes in my time, and I don't mind writing letters and cards.  But for people who generally don't like writing cards and letters, the idea of writing a thank you note seems to be a bore.  Especially if you just want to go outside and play.

(Though you probably don't want to go outside if you live where I live.  -27 Celsius?  No thank you!)

Today, we're going back in time to the 1970s.  A story that appeared in "PEP Comics #333" inspired today's post.  And since Tuesdays are going to be all about discussing non-Archie characters that appeared in Archie comics, we're going to have to pick a character that only wants to go outside and play and not waste time writing thank you notes.

Ah, Lil Jinx seems like a great choice.  Lil Jinx, of course, being a little girl that appeared in various Archie titles and who was drawn by artist Joe Edwards.  I could take or leave Lil Jinx stories as a whole, but for some reason I really like the story "The Write Note". 

Lil Jinx, as you well know, is a little girl that means well, but usually always gets into trouble and causes more hair to fall from the head of her father, Hap Holliday.  And today's argument comes courtesy of these two.  Lil Jinx has made plans to spend the day playing catch with her friend, Greg.  But her father says no.  She's supposed to do something for Aunt Bertha that she's been putting off for a while, but he is insistent that she do it because if she doesn't, she won't be allowed outside.

Greg is waiting patiently for Jinx to come out, but Jinx says that she is not allowed to go outside unless she finishes writing a thank you note for her Aunt Bertha.  Greg offers to wait patiently for her, which to me seems like a generous offer.  After all, Lil Jinx could take all day to write the letter.  But then again, maybe Gigi, Russ, Mort, and Charley Hawse have other plans.

We also have to take into account that Jinx is very easily distracted.  In fact, she is so distracted that she takes some of the paper that she has to write the note and shoots paper planes out the window towards Greg.  Greg decides that he can make a better paper plane, gets Jinx to hand him a sheet of paper, and together they compete to see whose paper plane will stay in the air the longest.

Told you that it would take forever for Jinx to write that letter.  Even Jinx's dad notes that Jinx is taking too long and asks her what is going on.  That's dad speak for "get to work, Jinxie".

As predicted, writing the letter proves to be a challenge for Jinx, because in addition to her getting distracted over everything, she's also a perfectionist.  And whenever she tries to write the letter, she keeps making mistakes, such as spelling Dear as Deer.  I suppose it'd work if her Aunt Bertha had antlers and lived in the middle of the forest, but in this case, it's enough for Jinx to crumple up the piece of paper and start over again.  And again.  And again.  I shudder to think of how many trees were slaughtered just for Lil Jinx to throw them all in the trash.

By the time Jinx gets the letter done, she is completely out of paper, and she announces that after going through a whole ream of paper, she is finally done.  She can finally go outside and play with Greg, who is more than likely sleeping underneath a tree waiting for her to finish.  But just before Jinx can set foot outside the door, Hap decides that he wants her to read the letter to him. 

So, would you like to know what Aunt Bertha bought Jinx?  Have a look.

"Miss Beazley Gets The Bird"

Okay, did you all miss me? 

I decided that I would take a week off to stop myself from getting burned out on this blog, and I'll be doing this every couple of months or so.  The reason being that when I was doing my other blog (A POP CULTURE ADDICT'S GUIDE TO LIFE), I did an entry every day for over four years, and I burned myself out right around the seven year mark.  I don't want to do this with this blog, so you can expect more frequent breaks.

So, now that I'm back, we'll continue with the schedule.  As I said before, Mondays will be devoted to secondary or tertiary characters within the Archie universe.  And a couple of weeks ago, I asked all of you to vote on which character you wanted to see featured in this space.  You had an extra week to choose, and your choice is...

MISS BEAZLEY!

Yes, everyone's favourite lunch lady makes another appearance in this space, and while this story is a really great read, it opens up a bit of an inconsistency in her personality.  You'll see what it is as you read ahead.

This story originally appeared back in Archie #231.  And the artwork was done by Harry Lucey.  As it turned out, Harry Lucey was the main artist on the Archie title during the mid-1970s, so if you ever want to check out his work, I recommend seeking any Archie title out that was released between 1971 and 1976.  Some of his prime work appears there.

The story is called "Miss Beazley Gets the Bird".  Of course, this story spells her name a bit differently.  I've seen both spellings of the last name, both with and without an "E", but I kind of like the spelling better when the E is added.  I guess I'm just weird that way.  (And no, that's NOT the inconsistency I am pointing out here - just a bonus.)

Anyway, Archie has seemingly snuck into school a bucket of fried chicken that might or might not resemble the 20-piece buckets that one might purchase from "Kentucky Fried Chicken".  And Miss Beazley is so shocked that Archie would break the rules by sneaking in non-approved food into school that she rushes towards him and attacks him in the same way a zombie attacks people on "The Walking Dead".

No, actually she's attacking the bucket of chicken he's holding.

She is literally stomping all over it, turning the chicken inside into a mushy mess, with Archie staring at her in complete shock and the commotion causing Mr. Weatherbee to step out of his office to see what the heck is going on.

It appears as though Miss Beazley has lost her mind, but she has a very good reason for it.  Upon closer inspection of the chicken bucket, both Beazley and Weatherbee are shocked and disgusted to see that the chicken inside of Archie's bucket has spoiled.  We're talking salmonella, bacteria, lots and lots of mould spores (and yes, I'm Canadian, and to us that IS the proper spelling).  No matter how you spell it, it's toxic.  And both of them are left wondering how a fast food giant like Colonel Sturdley's Southern Fried Chicken could sell such rotten food to the students.

Of course, we later learn that it was all a case of misunderstanding.  Turns out that Archie left the chicken out to spoil on purpose for a science experiment that he was doing for Professor Flutesnoot.  He explains what happened with Miss Beazley, saying that she destroyed the bucket before he could explain what happened.  This might not bode so well for Archie's science grade, but it's nothing compared to what happens when Mr. Weatherbee gets involved.

While Archie is in the science lab, Mr. Weatherbee pays a visit to the headquarters of Colonel Sturdley's Southern Fried Chicken, and pays a visit to Colonel Sturdley himself.

(NOTE:  Colonel Sanders of KFC actually died in 1980 - seven years after this story first appeared.  So, I guess they had to change a few things around regarding his appearance.)

Mr. Weatherbee tells him that he should be ashamed of himself for passing out such putrid chicken, but the Colonel is willing to hold up a rubber glove and slap Weatherbee across the face to start a duel.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with his chicken and he will take whoever says there is to the cleaners.  Mr. Weatherbee name drops Miss Beazley's name, telling the Colonel that she thinks he should be horsewhipped, and that's enough for him to take his white glove to Riverdale High School so that he can deal with her personally.

But now here's where the inconsistency of the story comes into play.  Now, we know that Miss Beazley is usually synonymous with really bad food.  Truth be told, it's people like her that kind of give off the stereotype that school lunches are anything but healthy and can make people violently ill. 

But in this story, not only does she prepare fried chicken that instantly gets the attention of the Colonel, but the aroma is so pleasant that the Colonel instantly has to try it.

Hey, Mikey...he likes it! 

Now, I'm not going to spoil the true ending of this tale, partly because I want you to read it for yourselves, but also partly because the ending is so farfetched that you probably won't believe it.  But, hey...a lot of Archie tales end that way.  You know, given that Miss Beazley made a brilliant fruitcake some time ago because the ingredient she added was love, perhaps she added lots of love to her fried chicken.

After all...she was fighting for a cause this time - even though usually SHE'S the one serving the bad food!

That's a wrap for today.  Next week, which character would you like to see featured?

1 - Cheryl Blossom
2 - Chuck Clayton
3 - Coach Kleats

You "C" what I did there?

"The Line" - An Archie Tale

A week ago, I said that every story featured in the Sundays with Archie section in January would feature artwork by one of my favourite Archie artists ever, Harry Lucey.  And I have a special treat for all of you today because the story that I am about to post is one of my favourite stories ever written and drawn!

It was a tag team effort between writer Frank Doyle and artist Harry Lucey, and it originally appeared in "Archie #182".  It's a story that has a weird storyline to it in that it consistently breaks the fourth wall, and the star of the story isn't really Archie, but an inanimate object that makes its way through the entire tale.

May I present to you..."The Line".

Betty, Archie, and Veronica are standing in the middle of a park and they notice that a black line is stretched across the entire first panel and they are wondering where it came from.  It's very distracting, it's quite noticeable, and as poor Reggie finds out, it's very much a hazard.  Reggie gets clotheslined by the line, giving Archie a bit of a chuckle.  Then again, Reggie's got such a personality that anytime he gets bad luck given to him, it's quite hilarious to see him yanked back down to earth.

Reggie is wondering who put the line there, and why nobody decided to erase it.  I find it hilarious that the characters all break the fourth wall and know that they are in a world that is created for them.  Now does that mean that artists like Lucey and DeCarlo, and Goldberg, and Parent could be classified as God?  Hmm...food for thought on this Sunday morning, huh?  As for the line, Betty notices that the line runs right through the story and into a patch of trees in the middle of the park.  So Archie and the gang decide that the best thing to do is follow the line to see where it ends. 

Well, it appears as though poor Dilton Doiley back in the days in which he spelled his last name without an "E" has gotten caught up in the line.  It appears as though someone is hunting bookworms and caught a nice big one!  But where does the line go after that?

Archie notices that the line is moving further ahead and he thinks that it's alive.  I'd like to know how he comes to the conclusion that the line is a living thing, but they keep following the path of the line.

Reggie seems to think that the source of the movement of the line are a couple of kids who think that the line is a skipping rope.  It's a clever idea for taking care of a wayward line, but Archie and Betty notice that the line goes past them, and they run ahead of Reggie and Veronica.

Reggie and Veronica try to follow them, but both of them get tangled up in the gigantic line.  They have a hard time untangling their way out of the knotted mess, but surprisingly they do a great job getting out of it.  They wonder if Archie and Betty got tangled up in the line as well, and sure enough they do.  But unlike Reggie and Veronica, Betty doesn't seem to mind at all.

Yeah, given that Betty would do just about anything to get close to Archie, I wouldn't be surprised if Betty arranged for her and Archie to get stuck together on purpose.  That crafty blonde!  It's just a shame that Veronica happens to grab a pair of scissors and slash the line to shreds.  Where Veronica got a pair of scissors in the middle of the park, I don't know.  Then again, having a gigantic line spanning the length of a whole story is unusual as well.

Reggie's had enough of this story, and he is determined to find out where the source of the line is coming from, and he decides that the best way to do this is to grab on the line and pull it until the source comes to him.  So, with all of his might, Reggie pulls on the line and finds something is heavy on the other end.  He uses all of his strength to pull on the line, and when Archie notices what is on the other end, he is suddenly fearful for Reggie's life...

...because Reggie has lassoed himself a Moose.  Big Moose to be exact.  And the only thing that angers Moose more than when you try to steal Midge away from him is when someone tries to kidnap him against his will.  And poor Reggie gets the brunt of his abuse.  Reggie thinks that this is finally the end of the story...but here's where the source of the line really is.

You know, I was wondering where Jughead was hiding himself in this tale.  Turns out that Jughead was using the line to perfectly write "The End" with it.  Mind you, he caused a lot of confusion throughout the whole story, but at least we know that the artists aren't at fault.  Truth be told, I miss stories like this.  It was a really creative idea for a tale, and it was fun to read.  And it also tells us all that the Archie comics characters know that they live in a fictional world for our entertainment.

Self-awareness is a beautiful thing.