Today we'll be looking at the second half of episode number one -
"Ballot
Box Blues".
Gee, I wonder if this episode will feature an election of some sort?
Well, it turns out that we'll have to wait for that, as Archie is
late for school. Again. And he'll have to make it on his skateboard
because as this show likes to remind us, Archie and the gang are twelve years
old in this show, and none of the people have a driver's license.
Oh, on the way, he picks up Jughead. I mean, he literally
runs over Jughead and carries him in his arms to school while Jughead is
listening to rock music on his Walkman.
Walkmans. I remember those.
Inside
the school, Miss Grundy is collecting homework assignments from the rest of the
class who bothered to show up. Betty and Veronica eagerly hand Miss
Grundy their papers, but when Miss Grundy approaches Reggie's desk, Reggie is
trying to come up with an excuse as to why he decided to forego doing his
homework to play "Out Run" at Pop's Chocklit Shop Video
Cafe, and is praying for something to interrupt the class like a fire drill or
a surprise assembly...
...or Jughead and Archie smashing through the classroom door on
the skateboard spinning Miss Grundy on the floor before crashing into the coat
closet.
For some reason, this screenshot makes me think of Dead or Alive's
"You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)". Hey, maybe that's what
Jughead was listening to on his Walkman!
Anyway, Miss Grundy - who apparently has been working out to her
Jane Fonda workout tapes - throws Archie, Jughead, and Archie's dog Red (who
hitched a ride with Archie) into their desks...and then throws Red out of the
classroom, as dogs can't go to Riverdale Junior High. At the same time,
Reggie tries to pass off Moose Mason's homework as his own - which if you've
read the comics you know is a stupid idea, as Moose isn't exactly the class
brain. He'd be better off trying to use fake-Dilton Eugene's
paper.
Oh, and nobody rocks a pair of salmon coloured pants quite like
Moose. He's such a fashion forward kind of guy, you know.
Once everyone is settled into their seats, Miss Grundy announces
that it is time to elect the class president, and asks for nominees. And
I'll be honest, at first, I wondered why no 8th graders wanted the job.
Assuming that Archie and the gang are 12, that would make them 7th graders.
But since it's class president, maybe they're electing the president of Miss
Grundy's class...heck, it's not like Grundy has any control over her classroom
anyway.
Reggie is immediately taken out of contention, as he seems to be
only interested in the money (of which, student body presidents actually DON'T
get paid). And Jughead's too busy listening to Billy Idol to even care.
Seriously, throughout this whole episode, Jughead does not say ONE WORD.
It's kind of creepy.
She then approaches the table where best friends forever Betty and
Veronica are sitting, but neither one want to run for president because they
would never want to destroy their friendship, and they really want to have
their friendship last as long as it takes to go to Target to go bra shopping.
FUN FACT: Veronica's significant Valley Girl accent is
performed by voice actress Alyson Court, who was only fourteen when she was
cast. You may also recognize her voice in "My Pet Monster",
"Beetlejuice", and the "Resident Evil" series. She
also played Loonette on "The Big Comfy Couch"!
Anyway, after they tell Grundy that politics will ruin their
friendship, Betty dreams about what holding the presidency would be like...
...and Veronica does the same, comparing Riverdale Junior High to
a monarchy.
And then both decide - screw the mall, I wanna be president after
all! They give each other one final handshake, and wish the other one
luck...but in this screenshot, you can clearly see that they want to decapitate
the other one. And to think, this was set at a time before online social
media. Whatever will they do?
Well, at recess (I'm jealous, since I never got recess during my
seventh grade year), Veronica decides to throw the "men can't resist my
charms" card into play, and insists that Archie be her campaign manager.
To which Betty arrives and plays the "we've been fighting over this fruit
loop for seven decades, so what's another 45 seconds" card, and claims
that Archie is her campaign manager.
Alas, just before we witness Love Triangle Fight #32,362, Archie
unzips his jacket to reveal whose side he is on. And after Veronica
contemplates hiring Smithers to kick him in the no-no spot, Reggie comes over
and decides to team up with Veronica, partly to stick it to Archie, but partly
to see what special perks Veronica will give him.
But as we all know, hiring Archie and Reggie as your campaign
managers would be like trusting Pig Pen from Peanuts to clean your car.
Reggie gets frustrated when all Veronica wants to do is go shopping, while
Betty's promise of adding more spinach to the cafeteria menu elicits this humourous
reaction from the crowd.
Yeah, Betty...you need help. Because while Betty is
promising greenery of the edible kind, Veronica is promoting another kind of
greenery of the spendable kind. That's right, Veronica is attempting to
buy votes - which is pretty much accurate in standard politics.
So, Archie decides to fight fire with fire, and encourages Betty
to make promises too. Betty doesn't have a lot of money, but she does
have a really nifty looking headband that her spiky ponytail is wrapped around.
Seriously, was she channeling Spike from "Degrassi Junior High" with
that style?
Now, I get that it's a cartoon, and cartoons aren't supposed to
make sense, but not more than 10 seconds after Betty gives one girl her
headband, Archie tosses dozens more into the crowd, all of them with Betty's
name stitched on them. How in the hell did Archie get all those in such a
short time? Did he have Kelly, Slater, and Jessie sell them the Buddy
Bands they didn't sell? Is Archie a speed knitter?
Not to be outdone though, Reggie recruits Moose to help him get
rid of Betty's soapbox, only for Reggie to get spun into a swimming pool where
a distracted Jughead is listening to "Splish Splash" on his Walkman.
And this prompts Veronica to offer designer jeans and baseball jackets to all
of the students. Geez, I don't remember getting free clothes during our
elections. We were lucky if we got a button or a stick of gum!
We then cut to Moose (who, I should mention looks 31 instead of 12
in this cartoon) holding a kite that has Archie telling everybody to vote for
the pork belly instead of the liver for lunch at the cafeteria today.
Oh, wait. Archie wasn't finished yet. Yeah, vote
Betty.
This makes Veronica very angry. She feels that by not hiring
Archie, she would never see her name in the clouds. Considering that it
probably cost Archie six weeks of allowance to rent the cloud writer, Archie's
probably happy that Betty's name only had five letters.
Don't worry though. Reggie's nailing a huge banner at the
top of the school roof and Veronica is yelling at him until he gets the banner
higher than Betty's sky sign. Who cares if Reggie falls off the ladder
and goes kersplat on the front staircase. Veronica's reputation is at
stake!
Speaking of reputations, fake Dilton Eugene is
showing Betty his new invention. A paint sprayer that will paint all of
Betty's election signs in seconds. You know what else would work? A
paintbrush! And, hey look! Betty suggests the same thing! But
Eugene stands by his invention...
...well, until Betty turns it on, sprays Eugene with a stream of
bright red paint, and is sent zooming away across the yard. Seriously,
how much horsepower did Eugene use in that thing?
At least we get treated to a funny sight gag as Betty sprays
Jughead with the paint sprayer, and Jughead is completely oblivious to the
fact. Maybe he was listening to Simply Red while all this was going on.
Back to Archie and Moose, Moose's problem isn't a blonde with a
deadly paint sprayer. Apparently the flies get really bad at Riverdale
Junior High, and Moose is so busy trying to kill the fly that he lets go of
Archie!
But you know where Betty is? She just gave Veronica a
fashion makeover. After all, red is the new black! And while
Veronica admires her brand new look, a panicked Moose knocks Reggie off the
ladder, Reggie goes kersplut, and the episode ends with the class grieving at
Reggie's funeral.
Just kidding.
Actually, Reggie uses the banner as a parachute, and for kicks and
giggles, takes the crimson faced Veronica along for a ride.
Archie - completely helpless up in the sky - manages to call for
help, and he is surprisingly fluent in backwards cloud writing. He is a
man of many talents! But with Betty approaching from the east, and Reggie
and Veronica soaring towards him from the west, Archie who is dead center
realizes that there is going to be a big kaboom in his future.
This is Archie's "Oh, Crap" face.
I guess it's a good thing the sandbox broke their fall. But
what the hell kind of a junior high school has a sandbox in the first place?
Did they bring the sandbox from the grade school along with Mr. Weatherbee and
Miss Grundy?
So, after half of Miss Grundy's class is painted red, and four of
the students almost end up getting killed during what was the most vicious
presidential campaign in Riverdale history, Betty and Veronica decide that
super powered paint sprayers, skywriters, designer jeans, and Buddy Bands
aren't enough to make them stop being friends, and they decide to drop out of
the race. Which prompts Reggie and Archie to make up as well, even though
they never really interacted with each other in the episode at all, and they
were surprisingly civil towards each other. Then again, every 80s show
usually ended with a high five, so maybe that's what this is.
So, after all that, who won the election?
Well, apparently Jughead was so apathetic about the democratic process
that he decided to write himself in as a candidate. And since everyone
else in the class was blinded by promises of headbands and baseball jackets,
they never bothered to vote! Typical politics. The more people
abstain from voting, the more that the worst possible candidate wins.
But hey, the class is happy. That's all that counts.
And as the camera pans on Jughead one last time, I imagine him snoozing
while Arcadia's "Election Day" plays on his Walkman. He's had
that thing on so long, it's a wonder he has never had to change the batteries
on it.
Coming up tomorrow, we'll take a peek at a Riverdale school dance featuring a long forgotten Archie character!
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