New Archies Reviewed - "Episode 2B: Thief of Hearts"

This is a continuation of the "New Archies Reviewed" feature that I wrote in my original blog.  This entry was originally posted on August 7, 2015.  Hope you enjoy!

I always love a good mystery.  It's nice to try and find out who committed a crime, or where a missing item is, or the whereabouts of a long missing person.  Sometimes the culprit is the one person you never suspected, while other times, it's as plain as the nose on your face.

And in this episode review of "The New Archies Reviewed", we're going to join Archie and the gang in a mystery of their own...only you never really do find out who committed the crime, as the gang jumps to conclusions again.  It's probably one of the more frustrating episodes of the series, and although the way it ends is somewhat on the sweet side, it sort of doesn't really resolve anything. 

Oh, well.  Let's go ahead and watch episode 2B - Thief of Hearts.

We start today's episode outside of a movie theatre.  There's a bike rack where our Riverdale friends have parked their wheels (as none of them except for 31-year-old Moose have a driver's license), and for some reason, Archie's dog Red is chained outside.  Wait, what?  Archie actually brought his dog to the movie theatre knowing that there was no way in hell that Red could come inside?  It's official.  Archie is a moron.

Oh, well...let's see what movie is playing.  Looks like some film called "Sugar Slade:  Private Eye".  Based on how she's dressed, Sugar Slade could either be a detective, a Tibetan monk, or Rosie O'Donnell.  Let's go with the first option.

It looks like the movie is over, and we see Archie, Jughead, Reggie, Eugene, Betty, Veronica, and a new girl whom we have yet to meet in this series.

Her name is Amani, and she is essentially a blend of Midge Klump and Nancy Woods.  And since Midge and Nancy are characters who are just there in Archie comics, Amani doesn't really have much purpose in this show other than to be the token African-American female.  Seriously, she has so little character development that any of the traits she has could easily have been given to Betty.  Mind you, she does have one major storyline through the whole series, but we'll have to wait until TOMORROW for that to be told.

Anyways, it appears as though Betty, Veronica, and Amani can't stop talking about how awesome Sugar Slade is because she's a woman, and women are better than men because they say so, and that no man could ever outsleuth her.  Which prompts Reggie to proclaim that they should shut their pie holes because boys will ALWAYS be better than girls.

Because as we deduced already, Reggie is a sexist pig - well, when he's not dressing up in drag to go out with Fangs Fogarty as he did last episode.

So, the girls issue the guys a little bit of a challenge.  Veronica looks through the newspaper to find a mystery to solve, and discovers that a recent robbery took place at Riverdale Fine Jewelry.  The bandits made off with a sack filled with diamond rings and accessories, and are still at large.

(Now, never mind that this thief could be armed and dangerous and could likely blow off Jughead's nose with one carefully armed weapon.  Apparently the kids of Riverdale Junior High are 12 years old and incredibly foolish, so catching a robber is nothing to them!)

The only clues left behind at the crime scene were a set of huge footprints and a collection of red fibers from a garment.  So, we already know that the thief is a male with big feet and a gigantic hole in his cherry red Esprit sweater.  That's helpful.

But since that's all they have to go on, the battle of the sexes kick off, with the boys going one way, and the girls going another.  For the rest of the article, I'll be calling Team Betty/Veronica/Amani "Team Nancy Drew", while Archie/Jughead/Eugene/Reggie will be "Team Hardy Boys".

What can I say?  I read both types of books when I was a kid.  Was always a Hardy Boys fan.

The girls, however, get off to a really good start when Veronica decides that before they do any investigating, they need to go to JC Penney and blow all of their cash on new clothes.  You know, if Marg Helgenberger and Jorja Fox had that same idea, Las Vegas would have six times as many murders.  Just saying.

Anyway, after Team Nancy Drew uses their tooth fairy money to look just like Sugar Slade, they arrive at the jewelry store where they look over the scene to investigate.  Immediately, Betty discovers a piece of red string behind the store, which prompts the rest of the Nancy Drews to follow along.  Huge footprints soon follow, and the girls quickly pursue the trail...

...only to discover that the thief is really a goofy looking circus clown with a puppy dog that is obviously wearing a red sweater made to fall apart.  Back to the drawing board, girls.

You know, I was all ready to give credit to Team Hardy Boys for getting down to business right off the bat, but these goofy guys decide - hey, it's the 80s.  We have to look totally gnarly too!  Apparently, their idea of totally gnarly is channeling Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice.  Heck, they should have stuck Jughead in a Hawaiian shirt so that they could have some Magnum P.I. influence in there as well.

Back to Team Nancy Drew, the girls are frustrated that they can't find any clues.  It's almost noon and - wait, does this mean that the kids all saw the movie at like five in the morning?  What movie theatre opens that early?  I give up.

Anyway, their conversation is interrupted when they spot Mr. Weatherbee coming out of the bank.  This in itself is not unusual, but then Team Nancy Drew really starts to analyze Mr. Weatherbee and notice that he has really big feet (GAWSP), is wearing red sweat pants (DOUBLE GAWSP), and has a stack of Benjamins in his hands (DING DING DING DING DING).

This proves it!  Mr. Weatherbee is the thief!  He stole the diamonds!  And somehow, he managed to go to the bank and got his diamonds changed into cash!  I mean, who runs this bank anyway?  Russell Oliver?

(By the way, in case you don't know who Russell Oliver is, he's the cash man.  He'll give you money for your gold.  Oh, yeah!)

Nevertheless, Team Nancy Drew decide to follow Mr. Weatherbee to a clothing store (let's just say that it's Fjordstrom's, as it was a department store that all of the Archie characters shopped at in the eighties).  Team Nancy Drew are staring at Mr. Weatherbee through a mannequin's legs, and I must say that Mr. Weatherbee looks really dapper in his pinstripe suit.  Not exactly sure why he chose bright white, but hey...maybe he was trying to look like Don Johnson as well.

Mind you, Team Nancy Drew prove themselves to be the worst in undercover spying as they knock over the mannequin causing them all to scream.  The mannequin sends a rack of sweaters sailing into the escalator which dresses everyone on the escalator like Magnum P.I.  Now that is magic!

But Fjordstrom's is a classy establishment, and therefore the Sugar Slade lookalikes are literally thrown out on their butts.  Too bad for them.

Meanwhile, Team Hardy Boys aren't having much luck either until they pass by Mr. Weatherbee walking down the street.

And immediately, Reggie jumps to the same conclusion that Team Nancy Drew comes up with.  That Mr. Weatherbee was the one who robbed the jewelry store.

(Meanwhile, while this investigating is going on, there's this really weird synthesizer music playing in the background that sort of sounds like a mash-up of the Magnum P.I. theme and the Miami Vice theme.  I wish I had a clip to show you, but trust me...it's very eighties.)

Back to Main Street Riverdale, Team Hardy Boys look through the window of a fancy perfume shop where Mr. Weatherbee is apparently buying a two litre bottle of perfume!  Seriously, I know everything was bigger in the eighties, but that size of perfume must have cost Mr. Weatherbee five hundred bucks at least!  Do high school principals really get paid that much money, or did he really rob the jewelry store after all?

Well, that seems to be the conclusion that Team Hardy Boys come up with, and they follow Mr. Weatherbee back to the school, where it seems as though Team Nancy Drew seems to be as well, though neither team know the other one is there.

What they do know is that Mr. Weatherbee has even more secrets to hide.  Including a very expensive looking necklace!  So, let's go over this again.  He has an expensive suit on, he bought enough perfume to make the whole town of Riverdale smell great, and now he has a necklace.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to go to a lot of trouble to impress someone.  But who?

Unfortunately, both Team Nancy Drew and Team Hardy Boys come up with a conclusion completely different from my interpretation.  The necklace is the very thing that they need to convince them that their beloved principal is evil, and needs to be taken down.

Oh, and at Weatherbee's home, the two teams discover that Weatherbee is loading a huge sack filled with some unknown substance into his car before driving off.  Oh, great, so now they think he's a murderer, chopping up the bodies of his delinquent students in his spare time, that's great.

(Though we haven't seen Fangs Fogarty or Moose in this episode...hmmm...)

Team Hardy Boys decide to call the police, but Team Nancy Drew is even more daring.  They get on their bikes to follow Weatherbee in a...low speed car chase through the picturesque scenery of Riverdale.  I guess the girls' bicycles only have ten speed settings.

The chase ends at a residential neighbourhood, and as soon as Weatherbee parks his car outside of a house, the other girls scream out "J'ACCUSE!!!" and Mr. Weatherbee is wondering what kind of wacky tobaccy Betty, Veronica, and Amani have been smoking before they hear police sirens in the distance and some swamp creature barging out the front door of the house.

Oh, wait.  That's no swamp creature.  That's only Miss Grundy, trying to make herself look seventy years younger.  I do wonder what she used to make that mask though.

One thing that isn't a joke?  The police do arrive on the scene.  Now, we know that Team Hardy Boys called the police, but how did they know exactly where to send them?  They didn't have GPS systems in 1987, and as far as we could see, the girls were the ones who did all the work. 

You know, my brain is hurting.  I need to stop over-analyzing a cartoon.

Anyway, the police received a tip from four 12-year-old boys, one of whom is wearing a neon pink crown, that Mr. Weatherbee has been a bad boy, and that he needs to show them the bodies that he has stashed in that potato sack.  And Weatherbee obliges by opening up the bag and showing them Fangs' decapitated head...

...or, a hundred roses.  Wait, let's put all the pieces together.  Expensive suit.  Perfume.  Necklace.  Roses.  I got it!  Mr. Weatherbee has decided that he wants to give up his career as a high school principal to become a professional gigolo!

Or, maybe he's trying to surprise Miss Grundy on her birthday by buying her lots of gifts so that the two of them can get down to some homework of their own.  Yeah, that's it. 

Anyway, Grundy is so excited that Weatherbee remembered her birthday that she completely forgets that she looks like Chewbacca, and runs back into the house screaming like a maniac with Weatherbee running behind her screaming "I don't care how you look!  Just say you think I look hot in this suit!"  I mean, seriously, the dude blew his whole month's pay for one day of fun with you!  Have a heart!

So, by the time the episode concludes, Team Hardy Boys are going to prison (though they'll be released by next episode, I'm sure), while Team Nancy Drew will likely be in detention until 1997 - or, until the next episode aired.  Whichever came first.

All in all, it wasn't a total loss.  Mr. Weatherbee got the girl.

And we close off with this rather goofy expression on Mr. Weatherbee's face.  If this were a real show, he'd have a cigar in his mouth.

But, man...what a mess of a show.  It felt like it was like an animated version of "Three's Company", only without it being funny.  Team Hardy Boys really did nothing in this episode at all.  Team Nancy Drew did all the work in this case.  But again, we didn't really see any personalities develop at all.  I mean, yes, this was Amani's debut, but she may as well have been replaced with Big Ethel with the amount that she did.  It's a good thing that next episode, she has a much bigger role, or else I'd question why she even was created in the first place.

And even more frustrating...we never did find out who robbed the jewelry store. 

I think it was Fangs.  I mean, just look at that face.  Guilty!  Guilty!  Guilty!

Coming up tomorrow, Eugene likes Amani.  Amani likes Eugene.  Both are too afraid to admit it.  But when the rest of the gang tries to help, will they end up making things better or worse?

New Archies Reviewed - "Episode 2A: Last Laugh"

Apologies to all of you.  I was having technical problems and I couldn't post an entry yesterday.  But they have been fixed and now you can see the next installment of "The New Archies Reviewed".  This review was originally posted in my other blog on July 31, 2015.

Okay, so episode 1A was all about Archie.  1B was about Betty and Veronica.  Who will the featured Riverdale character be in 2A?

Hmmm...Episode 2A - Last Laugh.  Why do I get the feeling that this episode has Reggie Mantle written all over it?

Okay, so we're introduced to the exterior of Riverdale Junior High School, and it is here that we get our first glimpse of Mr. Weatherbee and...

...oh my good lord, what the hell is he wearing?  Geez, I know Miami Vice was huge back in the 1980s, but this look is wrong!  All wrong!  And anyone who has read the comic books know that Mr. Weatherbee's toupee is basically just three hairs on his head, so seeing him in a full head of hair is absolutely ridiculous.

Look!  Even Mr. Weatherbee's reflection is laughing at him!  Eh, it's a cartoon.  That's the only way it works in the world.

Ah, but there's a reason why Weatherbee is trying his best to look like Don Johnson.  He wants to go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance with Miss Grundy, and thinks that if he looks sexy in pastel, she'll swoon in his arms.  Wait?  When did Weatherbee and Grundy become an item?  I mean, yes, in the Life With Archie series, they got married before Grundy died of cancer, but still...up until now, we were lead to believe that Grundy and Weatherbee were just as asexual as Jughead!

And speaking of Jughead, there he is, sleeping in the gym, standing up...with balloons keeping him upright.  You know in real life, Jughead would fall, pop the balloons, and lose the hearing in his left ear from the gigantic bang.  Luckily, this is a cartoon and nobody gets hurt unless plot calls for it.

Anyway, Jughead is "helping" Archie, Reggie, and Eugene decorate the gym for the dance, which Reggie thinks is stupid because he hates having to do any physical work, especially for a dance where women ask the men out because he's a sexist pig in pink argyle.  Archie tells him to knock it off and sweep, but Reggie has other ideas when he spots a frog hopping in the gym.

No explanation as to why the frog is there in the first place, but hey.  Who needs feasible explanations in the Archie world?  Reggie decides that he will wrap up the frog in a box, and give it to Miss Grundy as a gift.  (Spoiler alert:  This is NOT the first time a frog, Reggie, and Miss Grundy are in a plotline).  The catch?  He's letting Eugene do his dirty work.

And Miss Grundy decides to open it on a ladder.  Nothing says living dangerously like opening up a present 20 feet in the air.  The frog jumps out, Miss Grundy falls to the ground, and the episode ends at her grave.

Just kidding.

Actually, Miss Grundy falls into Weatherbee's arms, and Weatherbee - who apparently can't carry more than six pounds, falls backwards onto the refreshment table, and sends the cake flying!  A quick thinking Archie manages to save the cake...

...only for cafeteria worker Miss Beazley to smash it right in his face.  But, hey!  Miss Beazley!  Don't tell me she followed the gang through school too!

Anyway, Miss Beazley has a bowl of her delicious, non-alcoholic fruit punch to serve at the dance, and she wants to know where to put it, since Grundy and Weatherbee destroyed the table.  But then the frog - who has decided to wear Weatherbee's toupee jumps into the bowl of fruit punch, and makes Beazley throw the punch all over Weatherbee and Grundy.

And, Reggie just laughs like a hyena because he was the one who set this chain of events in motion.  Surprisingly enough though, he does not get punished.  Then again, Grundy and Weatherbee are covered in fruit punch.  I sure hope Weatherbee's new pastel suit can be dry cleaned.

Of course, we all know that Reggie is a master of practical jokes, and that he can be a real jerk about it.  And since the Sadie Hawkins Day dance is fast approaching, Reggie decides to have a little bit of fun.

For instance, he takes the old water gun in the bouquet of flowers gag one step further and sprays Betty with so much water that it destroys her fabulously expensive 1980s hairstyle that looks no different from how she usually looks.

Then he pours itching powder down Archie's back while he's trying to get Veronica to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, which prompts Archie to practice voguing long before Madonna made it hip.

Let your body move to the music, Arch.  Go with the flow.

And don't think that at the track and field meet that Reggie gives up his prankster ways.  He glues Moose's shoes to the track, causing him to fall flat on his face.

And since he still has half a tube of Krazy Glue in his possession, he thinks it would be a hoot if he glued the flying discuses so that Archie could humiliate himself even more.  Just too bad that someone else has decided to use the discus instead, and...

...OH MY GOD!  It's Fangs Freakin' Fogarty!  Wow! 

For those of you who don't know, Fangs was a recurring character in the Little Archie universe, and his purpose on the show was to beat up Archie, Jughead, Reggie...pretty much anyone who went after his girlfriend Penny.  And, I'm guessing that Penny transferred schools and got a restraining order against Fangs because she's nowhere in sight, and Fangs is now attacking Reggie the same way that Moose would attack Reggie for going after his "gurl named Midge".

Of course, Fangs won't break Reggie's face - IF he does one thing.  He has to get Veronica to ask Fangs to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  An easy request.

NOT!  Turns out that our Riverdalian Princess with the Valley Girl accent finds Fangs totally bogus, and he makes her gag without the spoon!  And, like, Veronica totally wants to ask Archie because his red hair makes her feel truly outrageous like Jem.

So, Reggie decides to call Fangs and disguises his voice just like Veronica because Reggie is lucky that it's the 1980s, and Caller ID was just a fleeting dream in Riverdale.  But how will he get through this one?

Why, by dressing up exactly like Veronica, of course, right down to the frizzy looking mop atop her head.  It's a good thing that Reggie just happens to be wearing the same outfit that Veronica is.  Looks like something from the Olivia Newton-John exercise collection!  Very stylish!

Oh, but even though the dance is taking place at approximately four in the afternoon and it is still bright out, and the lights in the gym give off the same intensity as a Hollywood spotlight, Fangs and Archie can't tell the difference between real Veronica and fake Veronica.

Because Archie manages to grab Reggie to get down on the dance floor.

And Veronica ends up getting abducted by Fangs Fogarty.  Or, maybe that's Fangs' way of getting down with his bad self.  Who can say?

And, hey, look!  It's Big Ethel in the bleachers with Jughead and Betty - and once again, Jughead doesn't speak a word as he's too busy gorging on whatever food there is at the dance.  I don't even know how Jughead's voice artist actually made any money in this show at all.  I think he's spoken fewer words in the first three episodes than there was in Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham".  And one of those words was Feltzig.

(Oh, and the reason why they call her Big Ethel is because of her height.  And standing next to the other characters, Ethel is obviously eight feet tall.)

But, hey, at least Ethel managed to convince Jughead to go with her to the dance by bribing him with food.  Betty - who happens to be dressed like either a Bangle or a Bananarama member - decided to invite herself to the dance, which I find hard to believe.  I mean, Moose was single since he doesn't meet Midge until high school.  She could have gone with him.

But Betty had her heart set on Archie and is pissed that Veronica snatched him away - again.  And this prompts Ethel to look at the dance floor and become quite confused at the fact that Veronica has cloned herself.

Before Ethel can say anything though, Miss Grundy turns off the synthesizer music and tells everyone to shut up.  It's time to announce the Queen of the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

Wait.  When did a Sadie Hawkins Dance have a queen?  A homecoming dance or prom I can see...but a Sadie Hawkins Queen?  Wasn't Sadie Hawkins like a redneck woman and not a high-class broad? 

Then again.  It's a cartoon.  Nothing makes sense in a cartoon.

And here's where things get dicey.  The queen of the dance is Ethel Betty Miss Beazley Veronica Lodge!  But when you have two Veronicas approaching the stage at the same time without a stick of Doublemint gum in the shot, you know that a catfight is about to take place.

Sure enough, Veronica pulls off Reggie's wig, removes the toilet paper stuffed inside his shirt, and makes fun of his Olivia Knockoff John rags before chasing Reggie out of the gym wanting to scratch his eyes out.

Oh, and Fangs follows along too, as it wouldn't be a day if Fangs didn't try to kill someone.

But I'm guessing that Reggie must have gotten away, as he appears in the next episode.

But yeah...this episode was a mixed bag in many ways.  Sure, it was great to be introduced to some new characters like Mr. Weatherbee, Big Ethel, and surprisingly Fangs Fogarty.  And it was nice to see Reggie actually pay for his mischief and tricks.  But the whole "I'll be your doppelganger" storyline has been done to death.  Just ask current fans of "The Young and the Restless" for proof of that.  And honestly, the story was fairly blah.  So Reggie dresses up as a girl to fool the school bully so he won't beat him up.  The thing that makes me question is all is why nobody busted him sooner.  I know Fangs isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but Archie was unintentionally made to look like a complete idiot.  Sure, he's indecisive, klutzy, and a two-timing beast, but he at least had some smarts.

Then again, there are no rules in "The New Archies".  We just have to watch it.  Or rather, I have to watch it and review it.

Coming up next entry, we're introduced to another new character - as well as a mystery that will make the Hardy Boys wish they worked at Burger King.

New Archies Reviewed - "Episode 1B: Ballot Box Blues"

This is a feature that I wrote in my old blog where I reviewed every single episode of "The New Archies".  This piece was originally written on July 24, 2015.  Hope you enjoy it!

Today we'll be looking at the second half of episode number one - "Ballot Box Blues".  Gee, I wonder if this episode will feature an election of some sort?

Well, it turns out that we'll have to wait for that, as Archie is late for school.  Again.  And he'll have to make it on his skateboard because as this show likes to remind us, Archie and the gang are twelve years old in this show, and none of the people have a driver's license.

Oh, on the way, he picks up Jughead.  I mean, he literally runs over Jughead and carries him in his arms to school while Jughead is listening to rock music on his Walkman.

Walkmans.  I remember those.

Inside the school, Miss Grundy is collecting homework assignments from the rest of the class who bothered to show up.  Betty and Veronica eagerly hand Miss Grundy their papers, but when Miss Grundy approaches Reggie's desk, Reggie is trying to come up with an excuse as to why he decided to forego doing his homework to play "Out Run" at Pop's Chocklit Shop Video Cafe, and is praying for something to interrupt the class like a fire drill or a surprise assembly...

...or Jughead and Archie smashing through the classroom door on the skateboard spinning Miss Grundy on the floor before crashing into the coat closet. 

For some reason, this screenshot makes me think of Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)".  Hey, maybe that's what Jughead was listening to on his Walkman!

Anyway, Miss Grundy - who apparently has been working out to her Jane Fonda workout tapes - throws Archie, Jughead, and Archie's dog Red (who hitched a ride with Archie) into their desks...and then throws Red out of the classroom, as dogs can't go to Riverdale Junior High.  At the same time, Reggie tries to pass off Moose Mason's homework as his own - which if you've read the comics you know is a stupid idea, as Moose isn't exactly the class brain.  He'd be better off trying to use fake-Dilton Eugene's paper.

Oh, and nobody rocks a pair of salmon coloured pants quite like Moose.  He's such a fashion forward kind of guy, you know.

Once everyone is settled into their seats, Miss Grundy announces that it is time to elect the class president, and asks for nominees.  And I'll be honest, at first, I wondered why no 8th graders wanted the job.  Assuming that Archie and the gang are 12, that would make them 7th graders.  But since it's class president, maybe they're electing the president of Miss Grundy's class...heck, it's not like Grundy has any control over her classroom anyway.

Reggie is immediately taken out of contention, as he seems to be only interested in the money (of which, student body presidents actually DON'T get paid).  And Jughead's too busy listening to Billy Idol to even care.  Seriously, throughout this whole episode, Jughead does not say ONE WORD.  It's kind of creepy.

She then approaches the table where best friends forever Betty and Veronica are sitting, but neither one want to run for president because they would never want to destroy their friendship, and they really want to have their friendship last as long as it takes to go to Target to go bra shopping.

FUN FACT:  Veronica's significant Valley Girl accent is performed by voice actress Alyson Court, who was only fourteen when she was cast.  You may also recognize her voice in "My Pet Monster", "Beetlejuice", and the "Resident Evil" series.  She also played Loonette on "The Big Comfy Couch"!

Anyway, after they tell Grundy that politics will ruin their friendship, Betty dreams about what holding the presidency would be like...

...and Veronica does the same, comparing Riverdale Junior High to a monarchy.

And then both decide - screw the mall, I wanna be president after all!  They give each other one final handshake, and wish the other one luck...but in this screenshot, you can clearly see that they want to decapitate the other one.  And to think, this was set at a time before online social media.  Whatever will they do?

Well, at recess (I'm jealous, since I never got recess during my seventh grade year), Veronica decides to throw the "men can't resist my charms" card into play, and insists that Archie be her campaign manager.  To which Betty arrives and plays the "we've been fighting over this fruit loop for seven decades, so what's another 45 seconds" card, and claims that Archie is her campaign manager.

Alas, just before we witness Love Triangle Fight #32,362, Archie unzips his jacket to reveal whose side he is on.  And after Veronica contemplates hiring Smithers to kick him in the no-no spot, Reggie comes over and decides to team up with Veronica, partly to stick it to Archie, but partly to see what special perks Veronica will give him.

But as we all know, hiring Archie and Reggie as your campaign managers would be like trusting Pig Pen from Peanuts to clean your car.  Reggie gets frustrated when all Veronica wants to do is go shopping, while Betty's promise of adding more spinach to the cafeteria menu elicits this humourous reaction from the crowd.

Yeah, Betty...you need help.  Because while Betty is promising greenery of the edible kind, Veronica is promoting another kind of greenery of the spendable kind.  That's right, Veronica is attempting to buy votes - which is pretty much accurate in standard politics. 

So, Archie decides to fight fire with fire, and encourages Betty to make promises too.  Betty doesn't have a lot of money, but she does have a really nifty looking headband that her spiky ponytail is wrapped around.  Seriously, was she channeling Spike from "Degrassi Junior High" with that style?

Now, I get that it's a cartoon, and cartoons aren't supposed to make sense, but not more than 10 seconds after Betty gives one girl her headband, Archie tosses dozens more into the crowd, all of them with Betty's name stitched on them.  How in the hell did Archie get all those in such a short time?  Did he have Kelly, Slater, and Jessie sell them the Buddy Bands they didn't sell?  Is Archie a speed knitter?

Not to be outdone though, Reggie recruits Moose to help him get rid of Betty's soapbox, only for Reggie to get spun into a swimming pool where a distracted Jughead is listening to "Splish Splash" on his Walkman.  And this prompts Veronica to offer designer jeans and baseball jackets to all of the students.  Geez, I don't remember getting free clothes during our elections.  We were lucky if we got a button or a stick of gum!

We then cut to Moose (who, I should mention looks 31 instead of 12 in this cartoon) holding a kite that has Archie telling everybody to vote for the pork belly instead of the liver for lunch at the cafeteria today.

Oh, wait.  Archie wasn't finished yet.  Yeah, vote Betty.

This makes Veronica very angry.  She feels that by not hiring Archie, she would never see her name in the clouds.  Considering that it probably cost Archie six weeks of allowance to rent the cloud writer, Archie's probably happy that Betty's name only had five letters.

Don't worry though.  Reggie's nailing a huge banner at the top of the school roof and Veronica is yelling at him until he gets the banner higher than Betty's sky sign.  Who cares if Reggie falls off the ladder and goes kersplat on the front staircase.  Veronica's reputation is at stake!

Speaking of reputations, fake Dilton Eugene is showing Betty his new invention.  A paint sprayer that will paint all of Betty's election signs in seconds.  You know what else would work?  A paintbrush!  And, hey look!  Betty suggests the same thing!  But Eugene stands by his invention...

...well, until Betty turns it on, sprays Eugene with a stream of bright red paint, and is sent zooming away across the yard.  Seriously, how much horsepower did Eugene use in that thing?

At least we get treated to a funny sight gag as Betty sprays Jughead with the paint sprayer, and Jughead is completely oblivious to the fact.  Maybe he was listening to Simply Red while all this was going on.

Back to Archie and Moose, Moose's problem isn't a blonde with a deadly paint sprayer.  Apparently the flies get really bad at Riverdale Junior High, and Moose is so busy trying to kill the fly that he lets go of Archie!

But you know where Betty is?  She just gave Veronica a fashion makeover.  After all, red is the new black!  And while Veronica admires her brand new look, a panicked Moose knocks Reggie off the ladder, Reggie goes kersplut, and the episode ends with the class grieving at Reggie's funeral.

Just kidding.

Actually, Reggie uses the banner as a parachute, and for kicks and giggles, takes the crimson faced Veronica along for a ride. 

Archie - completely helpless up in the sky - manages to call for help, and he is surprisingly fluent in backwards cloud writing.  He is a man of many talents!  But with Betty approaching from the east, and Reggie and Veronica soaring towards him from the west, Archie who is dead center realizes that there is going to be a big kaboom in his future.

This is Archie's "Oh, Crap" face.

I guess it's a good thing the sandbox broke their fall.  But what the hell kind of a junior high school has a sandbox in the first place?  Did they bring the sandbox from the grade school along with Mr. Weatherbee and Miss Grundy?

So, after half of Miss Grundy's class is painted red, and four of the students almost end up getting killed during what was the most vicious presidential campaign in Riverdale history, Betty and Veronica decide that super powered paint sprayers, skywriters, designer jeans, and Buddy Bands aren't enough to make them stop being friends, and they decide to drop out of the race.  Which prompts Reggie and Archie to make up as well, even though they never really interacted with each other in the episode at all, and they were surprisingly civil towards each other.  Then again, every 80s show usually ended with a high five, so maybe that's what this is.

So, after all that, who won the election?

Well, apparently Jughead was so apathetic about the democratic process that he decided to write himself in as a candidate.  And since everyone else in the class was blinded by promises of headbands and baseball jackets, they never bothered to vote!  Typical politics.  The more people abstain from voting, the more that the worst possible candidate wins.

But hey, the class is happy.  That's all that counts.

And as the camera pans on Jughead one last time, I imagine him snoozing while Arcadia's "Election Day" plays on his Walkman.  He's had that thing on so long, it's a wonder he has never had to change the batteries on it.

Coming up tomorrow, we'll take a peek at a Riverdale school dance featuring a long forgotten Archie character!