"The New Year's Resolution Contest" - An Archie New Year's Eve Tale

Can you believe that this is the final day of 2018?  As I get older, the years certainly go by a lot quicker.  Sometimes I still think that I'm stuck in 1994!  But we're almost at 2019, and it's the time of the year where people reflect on the old, and vow not to make the same mistakes in the new year that they did the previous one.

Many of us do this by making a New Year's Resolution at the end of the old year.  And the most common resolutions that I hear a lot are people resolving to lose weight, or people resolving to quit smoking, or people resolving to drink more water, or people resolving to only play Fortnite for twelve hours a week instead of twelve hours a day. 

And, let's face it.  For those of us who make those resolutions, most of us have them broken by January 8th.  January 14th, if you have real will power.

In today's story - which first appeared in "Archie's Double Digest #148" - the Archie gang decide that they will make New Year's Resolutions - with a twist.  When an incentive is given for the gang to keep their resolutions, can anyone keep them?

It's a special two-part story that is entitled "The New Year's Resolution Contest", and the setting is Lodge Mansion at one of Veronica's fabulous parties.  The gang counts down to the New Year and before you know it, it's 2005! 

(Yeah, this story originally appeared fourteen years ago - but at least unlike the last one that I wrote about yesterday, this one doesn't mention a year, so it could be reprinted well into 2105!)

The whole gang is really excited to celebrate the New Year, as they all have a new fresh start to make things right in a whole new year.  The subject of New Year's Resolutions come up, and everyone agrees that it's fairly pointless to make them as they always end up broken.  They aren't wrong.  I can't remember the last time I made one prior to now, but I never seem to keep them.

So, Veronica comes up with an idea.  She suggests that everyone at the party write down a New Year's Resolution on a piece of paper, and they place it in a bag.  Then one month from now, on February 1st, they will reunite at Veronica's house, go over the resolutions, and see if anyone has kept them up.  The people who succeed will get a reward, though Veronica isn't sure what that reward will be - though she will know what it will be when February arrives.  To prevent anyone from cheating, Veronica decides that she will leave the bag with a trusted authority figure (in this case, Mr. Weatherbee), and he will make sure that nobody sneaks a peek.  Sounds kind of like what they do on the Survivor finales when Jeff Probst takes the urn with the final votes and holds onto it until the finale.  Everyone agrees to the terms, and they begin thinking of their resolutions.

Said in best Spongebob Narrator voice:  ONE MONTH LATER...

Everyone is gathered around at Lodge Mansion again, and Mr. Weatherbee successfully delivers the bag of resolutions that the gang made a month ago.  Now that the year is thirty-one days old, it's time to see which people succeeded, and which ones failed.  And we'll hopefully see what the grand prize is for winning!

Anyway, the first resolution that is pulled out belongs to Reggie.  Let's see what he wrote.

Yeah, like we can expect a mischievous soul like Reggie to keep his word on a New Year's Resolution.  Especially when you have Reggie seated next to Betty in class.  The only thing that would have been even more tempting is if he was seated next to Dilton Doiley.  So, we can expect Reggie to not be the winner.  But what about Betty?  Let's see what her resolution is...

Well, Betty's resolution was to be kind to everybody, which is a fairly common one.  And certainly Betty is the type of person who is genuinely kind anyway so it should be an easy one for her to keep right?  According to Reggie, not so much.  Reggie actually argues that Betty should be out of the running because she refused to let Reggie copy off of her paper!  Wow...Reggie would actually make a really sleazy lawyer.  Of course, Betty denies that this should count, and tells Reggie so.  But what is especially sneaky of Reggie is that he says just the right things that will make Betty's temper rise to the point where she calls Reggie a big jerk and disqualifies herself right then and there!  And when Dilton tries to helpfully point this out, Betty tells him to shut up!

Oh, Betty.  So close.

Now we're getting to Veronica's resolution.  Hopefully she can come up with something sensible.

Yeah, you know that Family Feud strike buzzer?  I think we could actually use that sound effect here.  Seriously, Veronica.  What were you thinking?  As if you'd actually consider going Walmart chic!

But Veronica shouldn't feel too terrible.  It looks like everyone else has failed the resolution test too.  We don't see any of the other ones made, but I can probably take a guess.

JUGHEAD:  To cut back on snacking.
ETHEL:  To leave Jughead alone.
MOOSE:  To stop beating Reggie up.
CHUCK:  To focus more on Nancy instead of art projects.
NANCY:  To stop getting mad at Chuck for neglecting her for his art.
DILTON:  To join a sports team.

I mean, I'm just guessing here.

Eventually the last resolution to be read is Archie's.  And, Archie's resolution at first seems to be a really clever way of winning the contest.

Yeah, Archie thinks he's outplayed, outwitted, and outlasted everyone else in Survivor: New Year's Resolution.  His resolution to not make a resolution was certainly one that could be able to be kept.  By not resolving anything, he has made the perfect resolution and therefore he will be the only one to win the prize.

Or, is he?

Think about it.  By resolving not to make a resolution...he's actually MADE a resolution.  And because he made a resolution to not resolve anything, his resolution was actually broken the moment he made it!  It sounds very confusing, but regardless, no prize for Archie or anyone!  We never did come to find out what that prize was either.  A gold bar?  A shopping spree?  A date with Veronica?  I feel like we were cheated out of a resolution of this story!

Of course, now it's time to make MY New Year's Resolution.  I resolve to keep bringing you some memories and laughs as I continue PEP Culture throughout 2019.  In fact, I have one final New Year's story to bring you tomorrow!

Have a safe and memorable last day of 2018.  I will see you same time next year.  :)