New Archies Reviewed - "Episode 1B: Ballot Box Blues"

This is a feature that I wrote in my old blog where I reviewed every single episode of "The New Archies".  This piece was originally written on July 24, 2015.  Hope you enjoy it!

Today we'll be looking at the second half of episode number one - "Ballot Box Blues".  Gee, I wonder if this episode will feature an election of some sort?

Well, it turns out that we'll have to wait for that, as Archie is late for school.  Again.  And he'll have to make it on his skateboard because as this show likes to remind us, Archie and the gang are twelve years old in this show, and none of the people have a driver's license.

Oh, on the way, he picks up Jughead.  I mean, he literally runs over Jughead and carries him in his arms to school while Jughead is listening to rock music on his Walkman.

Walkmans.  I remember those.

Inside the school, Miss Grundy is collecting homework assignments from the rest of the class who bothered to show up.  Betty and Veronica eagerly hand Miss Grundy their papers, but when Miss Grundy approaches Reggie's desk, Reggie is trying to come up with an excuse as to why he decided to forego doing his homework to play "Out Run" at Pop's Chocklit Shop Video Cafe, and is praying for something to interrupt the class like a fire drill or a surprise assembly...

...or Jughead and Archie smashing through the classroom door on the skateboard spinning Miss Grundy on the floor before crashing into the coat closet. 

For some reason, this screenshot makes me think of Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)".  Hey, maybe that's what Jughead was listening to on his Walkman!

Anyway, Miss Grundy - who apparently has been working out to her Jane Fonda workout tapes - throws Archie, Jughead, and Archie's dog Red (who hitched a ride with Archie) into their desks...and then throws Red out of the classroom, as dogs can't go to Riverdale Junior High.  At the same time, Reggie tries to pass off Moose Mason's homework as his own - which if you've read the comics you know is a stupid idea, as Moose isn't exactly the class brain.  He'd be better off trying to use fake-Dilton Eugene's paper.

Oh, and nobody rocks a pair of salmon coloured pants quite like Moose.  He's such a fashion forward kind of guy, you know.

Once everyone is settled into their seats, Miss Grundy announces that it is time to elect the class president, and asks for nominees.  And I'll be honest, at first, I wondered why no 8th graders wanted the job.  Assuming that Archie and the gang are 12, that would make them 7th graders.  But since it's class president, maybe they're electing the president of Miss Grundy's class...heck, it's not like Grundy has any control over her classroom anyway.

Reggie is immediately taken out of contention, as he seems to be only interested in the money (of which, student body presidents actually DON'T get paid).  And Jughead's too busy listening to Billy Idol to even care.  Seriously, throughout this whole episode, Jughead does not say ONE WORD.  It's kind of creepy.

She then approaches the table where best friends forever Betty and Veronica are sitting, but neither one want to run for president because they would never want to destroy their friendship, and they really want to have their friendship last as long as it takes to go to Target to go bra shopping.

FUN FACT:  Veronica's significant Valley Girl accent is performed by voice actress Alyson Court, who was only fourteen when she was cast.  You may also recognize her voice in "My Pet Monster", "Beetlejuice", and the "Resident Evil" series.  She also played Loonette on "The Big Comfy Couch"!

Anyway, after they tell Grundy that politics will ruin their friendship, Betty dreams about what holding the presidency would be like...

...and Veronica does the same, comparing Riverdale Junior High to a monarchy.

And then both decide - screw the mall, I wanna be president after all!  They give each other one final handshake, and wish the other one luck...but in this screenshot, you can clearly see that they want to decapitate the other one.  And to think, this was set at a time before online social media.  Whatever will they do?

Well, at recess (I'm jealous, since I never got recess during my seventh grade year), Veronica decides to throw the "men can't resist my charms" card into play, and insists that Archie be her campaign manager.  To which Betty arrives and plays the "we've been fighting over this fruit loop for seven decades, so what's another 45 seconds" card, and claims that Archie is her campaign manager.

Alas, just before we witness Love Triangle Fight #32,362, Archie unzips his jacket to reveal whose side he is on.  And after Veronica contemplates hiring Smithers to kick him in the no-no spot, Reggie comes over and decides to team up with Veronica, partly to stick it to Archie, but partly to see what special perks Veronica will give him.

But as we all know, hiring Archie and Reggie as your campaign managers would be like trusting Pig Pen from Peanuts to clean your car.  Reggie gets frustrated when all Veronica wants to do is go shopping, while Betty's promise of adding more spinach to the cafeteria menu elicits this humourous reaction from the crowd.

Yeah, Betty...you need help.  Because while Betty is promising greenery of the edible kind, Veronica is promoting another kind of greenery of the spendable kind.  That's right, Veronica is attempting to buy votes - which is pretty much accurate in standard politics. 

So, Archie decides to fight fire with fire, and encourages Betty to make promises too.  Betty doesn't have a lot of money, but she does have a really nifty looking headband that her spiky ponytail is wrapped around.  Seriously, was she channeling Spike from "Degrassi Junior High" with that style?

Now, I get that it's a cartoon, and cartoons aren't supposed to make sense, but not more than 10 seconds after Betty gives one girl her headband, Archie tosses dozens more into the crowd, all of them with Betty's name stitched on them.  How in the hell did Archie get all those in such a short time?  Did he have Kelly, Slater, and Jessie sell them the Buddy Bands they didn't sell?  Is Archie a speed knitter?

Not to be outdone though, Reggie recruits Moose to help him get rid of Betty's soapbox, only for Reggie to get spun into a swimming pool where a distracted Jughead is listening to "Splish Splash" on his Walkman.  And this prompts Veronica to offer designer jeans and baseball jackets to all of the students.  Geez, I don't remember getting free clothes during our elections.  We were lucky if we got a button or a stick of gum!

We then cut to Moose (who, I should mention looks 31 instead of 12 in this cartoon) holding a kite that has Archie telling everybody to vote for the pork belly instead of the liver for lunch at the cafeteria today.

Oh, wait.  Archie wasn't finished yet.  Yeah, vote Betty.

This makes Veronica very angry.  She feels that by not hiring Archie, she would never see her name in the clouds.  Considering that it probably cost Archie six weeks of allowance to rent the cloud writer, Archie's probably happy that Betty's name only had five letters.

Don't worry though.  Reggie's nailing a huge banner at the top of the school roof and Veronica is yelling at him until he gets the banner higher than Betty's sky sign.  Who cares if Reggie falls off the ladder and goes kersplat on the front staircase.  Veronica's reputation is at stake!

Speaking of reputations, fake Dilton Eugene is showing Betty his new invention.  A paint sprayer that will paint all of Betty's election signs in seconds.  You know what else would work?  A paintbrush!  And, hey look!  Betty suggests the same thing!  But Eugene stands by his invention...

...well, until Betty turns it on, sprays Eugene with a stream of bright red paint, and is sent zooming away across the yard.  Seriously, how much horsepower did Eugene use in that thing?

At least we get treated to a funny sight gag as Betty sprays Jughead with the paint sprayer, and Jughead is completely oblivious to the fact.  Maybe he was listening to Simply Red while all this was going on.

Back to Archie and Moose, Moose's problem isn't a blonde with a deadly paint sprayer.  Apparently the flies get really bad at Riverdale Junior High, and Moose is so busy trying to kill the fly that he lets go of Archie!

But you know where Betty is?  She just gave Veronica a fashion makeover.  After all, red is the new black!  And while Veronica admires her brand new look, a panicked Moose knocks Reggie off the ladder, Reggie goes kersplut, and the episode ends with the class grieving at Reggie's funeral.

Just kidding.

Actually, Reggie uses the banner as a parachute, and for kicks and giggles, takes the crimson faced Veronica along for a ride. 

Archie - completely helpless up in the sky - manages to call for help, and he is surprisingly fluent in backwards cloud writing.  He is a man of many talents!  But with Betty approaching from the east, and Reggie and Veronica soaring towards him from the west, Archie who is dead center realizes that there is going to be a big kaboom in his future.

This is Archie's "Oh, Crap" face.

I guess it's a good thing the sandbox broke their fall.  But what the hell kind of a junior high school has a sandbox in the first place?  Did they bring the sandbox from the grade school along with Mr. Weatherbee and Miss Grundy?

So, after half of Miss Grundy's class is painted red, and four of the students almost end up getting killed during what was the most vicious presidential campaign in Riverdale history, Betty and Veronica decide that super powered paint sprayers, skywriters, designer jeans, and Buddy Bands aren't enough to make them stop being friends, and they decide to drop out of the race.  Which prompts Reggie and Archie to make up as well, even though they never really interacted with each other in the episode at all, and they were surprisingly civil towards each other.  Then again, every 80s show usually ended with a high five, so maybe that's what this is.

So, after all that, who won the election?

Well, apparently Jughead was so apathetic about the democratic process that he decided to write himself in as a candidate.  And since everyone else in the class was blinded by promises of headbands and baseball jackets, they never bothered to vote!  Typical politics.  The more people abstain from voting, the more that the worst possible candidate wins.

But hey, the class is happy.  That's all that counts.

And as the camera pans on Jughead one last time, I imagine him snoozing while Arcadia's "Election Day" plays on his Walkman.  He's had that thing on so long, it's a wonder he has never had to change the batteries on it.

Coming up tomorrow, we'll take a peek at a Riverdale school dance featuring a long forgotten Archie character!

"The New Archies Reviewed" - Episode 1A: The Visitor

I know I've been hiding away for a bit.  The past week has been really busy with work related stuff.  However, I am on vacation this week, which means I have some time to play around.

And for the next twenty-seven days, I'll be taking you on a trip back in time over thirty years to review every single episode of a particular Archie themed series.

Back in the days in which I still wrote on A POP CULTURE ADDICT'S GUIDE TO LIFE, I reviewed the entire series known as "The New Archies".  Every week between the summer of 2015 into early January 2016, I reviewed all twenty-six half episodes of the series.

So, for a special treat to all of you who may have missed it the first time, I'll be reposting those reviews in PEP CULTURE.  For posterity, of course.

There's just a couple of things that I should note before I go ahead with this.  Firstly, these entries are at least three years old, and at the time I had taken the screenshots with my then brand new iPad mini.  I wasn't sure how to get rid of the YouTube scrollbar at the time, so that's why on some of these entries, you'll see them in the screenshots.  And secondly, because I am copying and pasting these entries from my other blog, the font and colour of font will be different.  But hey, at least you will be able to tell where the reviews begin and end.

Now that we've clarified all of this, let's begin "The New Archies Reviewed" with episode 1A:  The Visitor!  This was originally written on July 17, 2015.

So, just to clarify, this show (which debuted September 12, 1987) is set during Archie's junior high school years.  Think of it as an animated Degrassi Junior High, only without the controversial subjects.  So, don't be shocked at the fact that Archie, Reggie, and Jughead sound like they've been inhaling helium.  They're supposed to be 12.  Or, if you want to take their 1941 birthdate in effect, they're 46-year-olds pretending they're twelve.

Anyway, we open the episode with Miss Grundy (who apparently is a glutton for punishment as she has followed Archie and the gang from preschool to high school) looking over some of the students' science fair projects and after seeing some of them in action, she wonders why she took up teaching in the first place.

At least we have Eugene to represent Riverdale Junior High with pride.  And Eugene is a rather strange character.  Apparently, he's kind of a hybrid of Chuck Clayton and Dilton Doiley.  Perhaps adding both of those characters in the show would have been too much work for the animators, and the producers were told to throw in a couple of African American characters to round out the cast.  But they already had Chuck and his girlfriend Nancy.  I mean, sure, Nancy is a third tier character who does nothing but kiss and yell at Chuck, but Chuck was an important character in the Archie universe.  And Dilton appeared in Little Archie comics!  What, did he go to a different junior high school and then attended Riverdale High with everyone else?

And Eugene seems to be a character who only appears in The New Archies.  Maybe he went to Central High, or skipped five grades and went to Yale, or fell in an open manhole or something.  You'll meet another character like Eugene around episode 2B.

Anyway, Archie decides that science class makes him narcoleptic so he falls asleep in class using Eugene's science project as a pillow.  He accidentally turns the thing on, which causes Archie to sport the awesome face above.  There's also a sound effect that goes with this face that sounds like a cat in heat.  It's quite scary.

Anyway, Eugene and Jughead (whose hat is hot pink for some reason) arrive just in time to see Eugene's project hop out the window and bounce down the street.  Eventually, the contraption crashes into a tree, which causes a huge laser beam to shoot up towards the sky.

And the next moment, an unidentified flying object lands on Eugene's project smashing it to smithereens before settling on the ground below.  Now, I've heard of tales of aliens abducting human beings before, but I think this is the first time we've seen a human abducting an alien.  At least it's original.

Don't worry though.  This cute little guy wouldn't hurt a fly.  He was kidnapped in peace.  And surprisingly enough, when he finds out that his ship is damaged, he doesn't pull out an atomic ray gun to shoot Jughead's nose off.  Instead, he pouts about not being able to go home again. 

Well, Archie and his friends decide that they will help him find a way back home, and they dub him "Dude", as that seems to be one of the few English words our alien knows.  Funny how Dude can't speak English, but he can fully understand it.  Maybe his planet has Rosetta Stone or English for Dummies or something like that.

Of course, walking around Riverdale with a space alien who is only two feet tall would be a red alert right off the bat, so Archie and Eugene decide that he will blend in with an oversized sports jersey and Jughead's hot pink chapeau.  Because oversized jerseys make everyone invisible. 

They decide to take Dude to school where Coach Kleats is holding a basketball practice session, and where we are first introduced to the perky and sweet Betty Cooper, and the snobby, Valley Girl Veronica Lodge.  And if you thought these outfits were the worst that these characters could be wearing, you ain't seen nothing yet.

We also get to meet Reggie Mantle for the first time, and Reggie is just as egotistical and obnoxious as he is in the cartoons.  And naturally, Reggie decides that he wants to make fun of Dude.  Of course, Archie passes off Dude as Jughead's cousin (which would have worked had Archie called him Souphead), but Reggie is unimpressed and knocks Dude out with a basketball.

Seriously, Reggie throws a basketball at Dude and sends him flying across the gym.  Archie is pissed off at Reggie, but Dude is even more pissed.  You know that they're setting up for something.

In the meantime, Archie proceeds to wipe the floor with Reggie on the basketball court - which is out of character for Archie.  Usually whenever Archie plays basketball, he either knocks over a cheerleader, trips over a bench, or crashes through a wall.  But hey, it's The New Archies.  They created a character by removing character traits from two others.  Anything is possible.

Meanwhile, Dude discovers the love of his life on Earth, and how could anyone not resist Betty?  With her sweet personality, warm smile, and hair that looks like it was put together by seventy cans of Aqua-Net, how could any alien resist her?

And to show how much Dude wants Betty, he sinks a spectacular basket which causes Coach Kleats to salivate over the fact that this little Dude could be his next star player.  Well, Reggie decides that he won't let anyone steal his thunder so he proceeds to try and humilate Dude.

But a Dude never forgets when he has been wronged, and using his laser pointer finger proceeds to make another basket - with Reggie as the ball!

Back at Eugene's house, Eugene discovers the reason why the spaceship won't run.  It's out of fuel.  And Dude remarks that the only thing that will make his ship go is something called Feltzig - which Archie and Eugene have no idea what it is.  Archie decides that he may as well take Dude on a trip through town, hoping that he can find out what this Feltzig is.

While Reggie - who was hiding in the bushes and overheard the whole conversation between Archie and Eugene - wants to find the highest paying research facility to sell Dude to for the highest bidder.

So, Reggie decides to fill Veronica in on his plan (because Veronica can be just as bitchy as he is), and Veronica decides that taking Dude to her father's laboratory will be the best way for them to make lots of money and become famous for finding an alien.  Never mind that Reggie and Veronica are two of the richest kids in town already.  They're just being greedy.  Sometimes it's hard to find things to like about them...like how Reggie seems to think that pink argyle is sexy, or how Veronica seems to think that leopard tights, lime green star earrings, and purple boots go together.  I don't recall fashion being THAT bad in '87.

And for that matter, when did the Chocklit Shop become a video arcade?  Granted, arcades were all the rage in the 1980s, but Pop's Chocklit Shop is sacred! 

And while Archie asks a confused Pop Tate what Feltzig is, Dude proceeds to blow up an arcade game inside Pop's, which amazingly nobody seems to feel is worth mentioning.  Man, Riverdale must have been a very laid back community in the 1980s, huh?

Veronica comes up to Dude, tells him that Betty is outside, and feeling his heart throbbing out of his chest, Dude proceeds to let love make him stupid as Reggie easily catches him with a potato sack.  Veronica and Reggie proceed to then use a tandem bike to take Dude to the research facility with help from an old friend.  Hey, there Smithers!  Nice to see that you stayed employed with the Lodges the whole time!

But Archie is not willing to let Dude go without a fight.  He grabs his skateboard and chases after them. 

Yeah, a skateboard/tandem bike chase.  Welcome to 1980s Riverdale!

Interestingly enough, the bike passes a hamburger stand in the middle of the park, and Dude is excited.  He screams at Archie FELTZIG!  FELTZIG!  And Archie finally clues in that Feltzig = hamburgers!

Which he probably could have found out at Pop Tate's since Pop's sells HAMBURGERS.  Heck, all Dude would have had to have done was see a poster of a hamburger on the wall of Pop's and had his FELTZIG moment.  But we never explored this because of plot issues, so we're left with a bizarre bike/skateboard chase, an alien screaming about Feltzig, and Archie looking like an idiot because they were practically at a Feltzig station just two minutes ago!

Eventually, this mercy chase comes to an end when Betty comes a walkin' down the street, which makes Dude's heart go doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo.  Betty looked good, she looked fine, and Dude nearly lost his mind.  He leaps out of the bike, into Betty's arms, and Archie rescues Dude, getting a big fat kiss from Dude in the process.

Okay, so Dude was trying to kiss Betty.  Mistakes happen.

At the same time this is going on, Archie passes Eugene and Jughead who explain that Feltzig is hamburgers, and Jughead decides to throw his half-eaten burger in the ship, causing it to zoom all the way to Pop Tate's, where it lands in the parking lot as Archie and Dude arrive.  Archie orders a platter of 25 burgers from Pop's (or in Jughead terms, lunch), throws them into the spaceship, and stiffs Pop for the bill.  What's Archie's tab with the Chocklit Shop now at?  $76.98?

But it's worth it.  The tank is filled up, Dude can go home, and he bids Archie and Jughead a tearful goodbye.  It's actually a very sweet moment, given that it's a cartoon.

And not more than a few seconds after Dude blasts off, Reggie, Veronica, and Mr. Lodge show up at Pop's to grab the alien.  But Archie and Jughead play it cool as if there were no alien, and soon Mr. Lodge turns on his spoiled brat of a daughter and her stupid friend, and they go home in Mr. Lodge's limousine - which I am sure he turned off the A/C to punish them further.

(Told you I wouldn't go easy on Reggie or Veronica.)

And as the first episode closes, Archie and his dog, Red (Archie's second of three dogs - I'll explain it in the episode centered around Archie's dog) look up towards the sky where a blinking white light fills the sky and faint sounds can be heard.  Archie knows that it's Dude saying goodbye, and he says "Welcome home, Dude".

Okay, so the first episode was kind of rough.  You can automatically tell that it's the pilot episode, as sometimes the background music was fading in and out, and the voices are hard to hear sometimes.  But for the plot of the show, it's not a bad one.  It's a unique twist on a classic sci-fi plot.  Dude was definitely a cute character, and it's nice to see Archie, Jughead, and Eugene come to Dude's aid - even though they caused the situation to begin with.

Coming up tomorrow:  Class elections are coming up, and Betty and Veronica decide to run against each other.  What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

"On The Mark, Part Two" - An Archie and Chuck Tale

Previously in the story "On The Mark", we met Archie and Chuck's new friend, Mark.  Mark is a budding football star who is also very good at the part-time job where he works alongside Archie and Chuck.  He's even managed to win the Employee of the Month award at the workplace.  But for whatever reason, Mark seems to not really care about that all that much.  In fact, Archie and Chuck have guessed that something just isn't right about Mark.  Perhaps it may have something to do with the fact that he has moved around a lot and he's awkward around people, or maybe it has to do with the fact that he goofs off in school and doesn't do his homework. 

I'm sure that there's a reasonable explanation for this, and we're about to find out what that is when we start part two of this tale.

Archie and Chuck are set to begin their shift at the "Snack Shack", and since it looks like they are doing an opening shift, it's their responsibility to get the ovens started so they can get the food prepared before the lunch rush begins.  I'm thinking this must be a weekend shift.  However, all is not right at the "Snack Shack".  Archie is having trouble with one of the gas ovens.  It's not functioning properly at all, and Archie is worried that they could be in danger if anyone tried to start it up.  Chuck agrees and tells Archie to write a note warning everyone of the potential danger, which Archie does.  He sticks it on the front of the oven so that everybody can see it.  That should be sufficient enough, right?

Well, despite the fact that the note is clearly posted, Mark still approaches the oven with light in hand ready to start up the broken oven! 

At least, he tries to.  See, Chuck spots what Mark is doing, and tackles him to the ground just before Mark can get to the oven.  Mark accidentally burns his hand in the melee, but otherwise is fine.  But Mark is furious with Chuck for tackling him, and claims that he had no right to do so!  To which Chuck replies, "if you lit that pilot light, the whole mall could have gone kablooey".  Seriously, Chuck is angry and when Mark jokes about it, it REALLY sets him off.  He wonders why Mark would even think to light the oven when the note telling him "DON'T DO IT" is clearly there.  It's not like him to be careless, and he certainly should have been able to read it...

...and then the gears click in Chuck's brain, and as Archie arrives to see what all the commotion is about, Chuck makes the connection.  The reason why Mark didn't understand the note is because he COULDN'T read it.  Mark is a functioning illiterate.  He is perfectly capable of doing a lot of things, but for whatever reason Mark never learned how to read.  It's a shocking admission, but not unheard of.  I seem to recall that the 1980s had lots of public service announcements about ending illiteracy, so at the time this story first came out, it was not uncommon a problem.

Mark explains that because he was never able to stay in the same school for more than a few months at a time, he somehow missed out on the lessons in school that would have taught him how to read.  By the time he realized it was a problem, he was already too far ahead in school.  He learned tricks to avoid the problem, like making jokes whenever he was called out on it, or getting friends of his to write book reports, homework assignments, or projects for him to keep passing each grade.  Mark realizes that he has closed so many doors for himself by not reading, but he thinks that he's at the age where it's too late for him to learn to read and that he is too embarrassed or stupid to admit that he can't read.  But Chuck reminds him that he would only be stupid if he didn't do anything about it.  And Archie and Chuck decide that they will help Mark out by teaching him how to read.  It will be their secret.

For what it's worth, Archie and Chuck do a great job teaching Mark how to read.   They start off slowly, using the standard children's books like "See Jane run, run Jane run" thing.  But Mark is a great learner, and soon he graduates to textbooks and novels within a month.  Mark gets his very first library card, finds board games much more fun now that he can read the Chance cards on Monopoly, and by the end of the next month, he's now doing crossword puzzles!

You know, I have to point out that many functioning illiterates are not stupid people.  If they were paired with someone who had the patience and the understanding to help them, they could grasp reading as fast as Mark did.  Illiteracy is a serious issue in the world, and I think that we all have a responsibility to make sure that it is eradicated.

I'm so proud of Archie and Chuck for showing Mark the way.  I'm also proud of Mark for realizing that he needed to fix this problem and worked hard to make it happen.  And I think Mark is eternally grateful to both of them for opening up his eyes to a whole new world. 

This was a great tale.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!